Trigger warning

This week marks the one year "birthday" of the blog. I can't believe it's been a year already! Thank you all for walking alongside me on this adventure. It's been quite the journey for me. I know some of you think you have learned a lot about me, but the truth is... I have learned more about myself in the last year than I could have ever imagined.

When I started writing this blog, I knew I was stepping outside of my comfort zone. Not just little steps - BIG steps! But I knew it's what God wanted me to do. And so, I thought of it as my own personal little missions trip. I'd go on a little adventure - maybe get dirty and tested a bit - I might even help a couple people, but mostly, I was in it for myself. Because, let's get real here, most people go on missions trips so, in the end, they can feel better about themselves.

But God, in a way only God can do, used my baby steps to open doors I would have never seen coming. And He quickly made me realize that this was not going to be some little missions trip that I could buzz in and buzz out of. This is a life changer. This is a "grab an oar and start paddling" project. And this boat isn't going back where it came from... it can't. I have cleared the rapids and I like the water I am in.

You see, what I didn't expect was the freedom in being obedient.

I wish I had marked every blog post that I wrote and then was nervous and scared before I clicked the Publish button. Or how many times I wrote something and then let it sit for 3 days because I wasn't sure if I should really say that. I have had blog ideas half written and then let them sit for a week or two because I got scared mid-thought. Some of the blog posts that I have had the most positive feedback on have been ones that I was praying, "Lord, this is the hardest thing I've ever done" as I was clicking that Publish button.

Obedience. Why does that word scare us so much? I know why it scares me and a million other victims and survivors in this country. We had no other option but to submit to someone else's authority, under the worst of conditions. Some of those triggers are hard to break free of. But for most of us, in general, God gave us a free will for a reason. We get to choose. Choose who we submit to or not submit to. Choose who we follow or not follow. Choose who we love or not love. Choose how we feel or not feel. Free will. Choice. Obedience. All words that might stir up some triggers in our lives.

You might think words like these might be tough for me - that I would be in trigger overload just thinking about being obedient. But what I've learned this past year is I had LESS choice and free will after the violence than I did during the violence. During the violence, I used just enough energy and just enough choice to survive. After the violence was a whole different story.

After the violence, I let everyone else make my choices, choose my "free" will. Anything and everything triggered me after the violence. It might not have shown on the outside, but it was definitely happening on the inside. Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, the checker at the grocery store... every conversation. What people said, what people didn't say, the way someone looked at me, if my husband forgot to say "good morning" or maybe he said it twice!

Everything was a trigger. And with every trigger, came an emotion. Anger, hurt, shame, guilt, sadness, fear. And with every emotion, I gave someone or something else control of my life. I gave someone else control of my choices, control of my will, control of how I felt. I was giving everyone and everything else full reign of my life. So how was that any different than the hell I had just escaped from?

The key word there is ESCAPE. I had to physically escape the first one... this one, I had to make a choice.

I'm not going to say it's easy. It's NOT! The triggers are real and it takes some serious work to get through it. I had made real progress in the past few years. But when I started the blog, I was quickly reminded of how hard it is to be obedient - even when you know you're doing the right thing. I could feel that trigger-feeling in my chest and my heart rate going up when my head was questioning something my heart knew I was supposed to do.

But here's where God's grace and mercy show up. A couple of months into writing the blog and dealing with that trigger feeling, and God started turning that trigger feeling into courage. And before I knew it, I was feeling brave instead of scared, eager instead of triggered. And the best part... the triggers in my life outside of the blog changed also. As God was turning my triggers into bravery within the blogging, He was also doing it in other aspects of my life. No longer did my chest tighten and my heart rate go up when I wanted to lash out or run and hide in a closet. And when I could feel those emotions coming, I could quickly change them with a prayer and a reminder of His grace and His mercy.

Had I not been obedient in one thing, I would have never known the blessings of another. We do not know the plan God has for us. And sometimes, when we feel Him nudging us, we shy away because of fear or pride. I think back to all the times in the past when I'm sure He was nudging me in a certain direction and I refused to go. I'm going to try to NOT do that again! Making your way through the rapids is hard... but the view on the other side is well worth the work!

Romans 5:19 ESV

For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man's obedience the many will be made righteous.