A splash of red

I'm sitting here at my desk, staring at a blank screen, trying to figure out where to start. For those of you that follow this blog, you know that I am a survivor of domestic violence and rape. And I found out recently that the man that was the source of all my nightmares passed away recently. 

I can honestly say I don't know how to feel about that. Or maybe I should say I'm not sure how I’m supposed to feel?  

At first, I was numb. Kind of that “deer in the headlights” affect. Then I was confused. Why the numbness? And why am I not more relieved with this news? 

I thought I would I feel happy, grateful. I thought I would be relieved in this moment to have one less evil on the earth. Many times, God has heard my prayers of anguish, torment, and pain. And many times, God heard me ask the question – why? Why does this person get to walk this earth, free of punishment, and I’m the one left with all the consequences? Why does his life get to move forward as “normal” while mine is continually getting stuck in fear. I thought this moment would shut the door of my past... that I could walk away and not look back. 

But that’s not how I feel. Why? 

I forgave him a long time ago. Not that I will ever forget, but forgiving and forgetting are two different things. I had to forgive. I couldn't mentally bear the weight of that much hatred, that much fear. I laid it down at the foot of the cross and I walked away. I'm not going to say I didn't go back and look at it on occasion, but I didn't pick it up again. I couldn't carry it and there was always a footnote in my thoughts that, when the time came, God would be the one judging and I was okay with that. 

His actions will forever affect my life. It's affected me physically, but it's mostly affected me emotionally. It has been the ghost in the room in every relationship I’ve ever had in my adult life. Not just relationships with men, but with family and friends and coworkers. People that would never truly understand the amount of fear and shame that was buried in my heart. I hate that. And yet... 

And yet his actions led to positive things in my life too. Those cries of pain and desperation were heard by a God I had only known in theory. Little did I know how personal a loving God can be. And never would I have believed how glorious the healing powers of my Creator could be! 

I would never wish such violence on anyone! BUT, I have come to realize that our God can use ANYTHING for His glory! He can use ANYONE to further the kingdom!  

God can take what the enemy meant for evil and turn it for good (Gen. 50:20). We can’t see that while we’re smack dab in the middle of it, but when you get the chance to step back and see it for what it really is, it’s abundantly clear.  

Satan thought if he broke me, I would fade quietly into the background. Disappear. But what he really did was hand God a blank canvas. I had nothing... blank. And God is slowly and lovingly painting a masterpiece. HIS masterpiece. With each stroke of the brush my life becomes more defined, more visible. The Creator is creating! 

So, back to the original question...why? Why am I not more emotional about all this. 

Because what happened all those years ago doesn’t define who I am anymore. I'm no longer the blank canvas. The moment I reached out for the Savior, my life had color. RED. God took the blood of His one and only son and gave me life. I am a child of the King! I AM the miracle!

I get to look in the mirror every day and witness a miracle. God took my mess and turned it into a message. He took my hurt and turned it into healing. And He took all that was darkness and walked it into the light. And He did all of that with something Satan initiated.

Anything folks... God can do ANYTHING!

Genesis 50:20  

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about the present result—the survival of many people."