Top secret!

I've been very open about my past; it was the forever secret that's not a secret anymore. Not hiding the rape and domestic violence has taken a TON of weight off shoulders! October 17th will mark the 3rd year anniversary of this blog. It has been the path to recovery in more ways than I can ever put into words. And like many paths, it's had its twists and turns. It would be easy to throw a blanket over the whole process and say I'm great and life has gotten easier because of it, but that would be a lie. Much better? Yes. Great? Maybe not.

Please don't misunderstand, I don't regret one moment of my journey. But learning to throw my big ugly life in front of the whole world to see has some challenges. One might assume that sharing my struggles is the difficult part, but that would be wrong. My struggles creep in when I DON'T share the ugliness. The enemy likes nothing more than a closet full of deep dark secrets!

I truly believe that sharing our struggles is ordained by God. When we share, the good and the bad, it's an action that requires us to surrender - surrender control, surrender the weight, surrender the burden, surrender the outcome. It is the best way of practicing laying our burdens and cares at the foot of the cross. And laying them at the feet of my Savior is an act of trust.

The foot of the cross... maybe that's where this should start. The cross means so many things. Love, mercy, grace, forgiveness... salvation. I think sometimes I forget that when I'm standing at the foot of the cross with my hands full, the point is to leave empty-handed. But that's not always the case. Many times I walk away still carrying the load I came with. It might be tucked away in my purse, but it's still there. Not my finest moment...

But many times I wonder why. Why so many chances? Why the never-ending grace? How many times do I need to mess up before He says I've met my quota of forgiveness? God's love for me is so unconditional. Even when I can't love myself, He's always there to remind me of His never-ending mercies. How can I live up to that? Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe the whole point is to teach me that I can do NOTHING without Him... ya think!

I was talking to a dear friend recently and in my words of encouragement for her, I heard myself say, "But even the thief on the cross was saved..." In the last minutes of his life, he realized who Jesus was. And that was enough for Jesus. Even before all the words were out of my mouth, I knew those words were as much for me as they were for her.

That was enough for Jesus. Am I enough for Jesus? I question that more often than I'd like to admit. The scripture about the thief on the cross next to Jesus is one of the most important pieces of scripture, but people rarely spend any time on it - including me. But I decided to do some homework this week and change that. I needed to close, or least shorten, that 18-inch gap between my head and my heart!

Luke 23:39-43 says, "One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!” But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said to Jesus, "Lord, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

At the worst time in Jesus' life, He had criminals on each side of Him. One was rude and insulting, the other was quick to point out that Jesus was the only one there that did NOT deserve the punishment. One was bitter and skeptical, the other knew he was getting exactly what he deserved. Sound familiar? The criminals on the cross that day might as well have been you and me!

Each of us have a choice to make. We can hop on the "poor me" wagon or we can acknowledge our sin and call Jesus, "Lord." Can you imagine what the repentant criminal experienced that day? He went from thinking - I'm going to die today because I am a thief - to almost instantly standing in heaven with Jesus! He was prepared to die for his crimes. He must have been so confused... like "What on earth just happened here!"

If any of you have ever had experience with violence, you understand the conflict. Victims assume all the guilt. And no matter how many times people tell you it's not your fault, no matter how often I read God's word, my brain defaults back to guilt and shame. And after 30+ years of recovery, I still fight those feelings, not everyday, but a few of them are still tucked in the seams of my purse!

The thief on the cross is the perfect example of God's grace and mercy. His life was not a canvas of good deeds or righteous living. But with only a breath or two left in his lungs, he confessed he was a sinner, deserving of all punishment, AND he acknowledged Jesus as Lord. Even when he had no idea that Jesus could give him eternal life, he called Him LORD.

Love, mercy, grace, forgiveness... salvation is just a breath away. No matter how complicated we try to make it, heaven is only a confession and submission away. One moment you're headed for hell and the next you're going to heaven. Jesus. All we need is Jesus. ...and maybe a new purse.

John 14:6

“Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’”