The same yesterday, today, and tomorrow

The weather definitely has that fall chill. Like most of the Midwest, Kansas is struggling to decide which season it wants to be. One day we’re warm and sunny and the next day we’re scraping frost off the windshield.

Last night I was cold – you know, one of those days where you feel like your body never really had the chance to warm all the way through. And to top it off, I left work with a wicked migraine, which meant some time with the ice pack. When all was said and done, alI I wanted to do was warm up and chill on the couch.

I was camped in a hot shower with some Christian music when that still small voice seemed louder than the music. “All that I have is a hallelujah, hallelujah.” That line of a song started the tears. Tears that I didn’t understand and couldn’t stop.

God, where is this coming from and why does it feel so deep? Before the towel was even wrapped around my head, I was on my phone looking up the word hallelujah. I have written about it before, and I know it means “praise God” but that word was engraved on my heart, and I needed more.

Did you know that the word hallelujah is one of a few words that we don’t translate from the original Hebrew? When scholars were translating it into English, they couldn’t find a word to replace it with. There was nothing to equal it, so they left it there. So, when we say hallelujah, we’re using the same word the people of the Old Testament used. God is hearing us praise Him in the same language the Israelites of ancient days praised Him.

So, I did some research, ate, and parked myself on the couch to relax. But I couldn’t. That song was still in my head and the tears were barely holding back. “What God? What do you want from me?” The words no more than left my lips when I heard that still small voice say, “You. I want you.” Tears began to flow again. I knew what He meant. I knew exactly what He meant.

I have been beating myself up for weeks. I didn’t feel adequate at my new job, I didn’t feel adequate as a mom, a grandma, a friend. I felt like life had kind of swallowed me up and spit out this person that didn’t deserve anything. And even though I knew that’s what was happening, I couldn’t seem to stop it. It just felt like I was on this speeding train of “not good enough” and there was no one in the engine to stop it.

After my meltdown and numerous apologies, I surrendered. Not just in the ‘I know I need to put You first’ kind of surrender, but the ‘I don’t know how to fix it’ kind of surrender. I was lost. Lost and defeated.

But before I went to bed, I decided to listen to that song one more time. I knew it spoke to me. It expressed all the things I couldn’t say out loud, but I just had this deep feeling that God was trying to tell me something specific.

“All that I have is a hallelujah, hallelujah.” And laying there in the still of the night, I figured it out. I was focusing on the wrong words. I had missed the point completely. ALL THAT I HAVE is a hallelujah!

That’s all I have to offer! By divine design, I’ll never be good enough! And that’s the point. He knows we’ll never be able to EARN His grace and mercy, that’s why they call it grace and mercy! There is no humanly way to repay what He did for us. Jesus died a horrible death… for me! He said “I love you so much that I’m trading my life for yours. I will stand in the gap for you. I will take all you sin, all your shame, all your brokenness, and give the enemy my life because I refuse to let Satan keep you from spending eternity with Me. And I don’t want your pride or your pity, I want your praise! I want you to lift up your voice, lift your face towards heaven and PRAISE ME!”

It's such a small price to pay for what He did for me and yet sometimes I struggle to do even that. And even then, He reaches out to remind me how much He loves me. While I'm spinning out of control on the hamster wheel of despair, Jesus reaches in and gently puts me on solid ground again. And the amazing thing about that is even if I find myself back on that wheel tomorrow or next week or next year, He'll keep reaching out to me. He'll put me on solid ground again and again and again. Because THAT is grace and mercy.

Psalm 150:6

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.

Maybe this song will bless you too.

https://youtu.be/UoHrBNTfzIs?feature=shared