Thanks, Gram

Some of you may already know how important my grandmother was in my life. Not only did she teach me how to bake, which inspired me to own my own bakery for a while, but she also spent valuable time with me. Time that I desperately needed. Time with someone whose words I would recall later in life to encourage me and keep my head above the waves of life's rocky storms. And she believed in God. I have no doubts that her prayers for her grandchildren throughout the years got me through many of those storms... even after she was gone.

I doubt as she was praying, she had the slightest clue, what she was really asking God to do. If she was anything like myself, I pray for protection and safety over my grandkids. I pray blessings of health and joy and Jesus into their lives. I only want the very best for them, just like she only wanted the best for us. But she couldn't have known what lied ahead of me.

I've found myself in a pickle the last few weeks - a predicament that, yesterday, the Holy Spirit finally broke through my stubbornness and spoke to my heart about. I have been praying for someone, quite religiously, for MONTHS! It's on my heart almost to the point of becoming a burden. And God, in that 2x4 method that only He can get away with, finally made me see the light.

All this time, I haven't really been praying, I've been TELLING God what o do. Sure, the words coming out of my mouth sounded like a prayer and were worded like a "good Christian" would word them, but in my head there was a totally different tape rolling! My heart was not authentic. I think it was in the beginning - all those weeks ago - but somewhere along the way, I just decided God should agree with me and that authenticity evolved into selfishness.

I wanted God to do things on MY terms and on MY timeline. He wants everyone to come to know Christ, right? So, this person will find salvation MY way. I've been praying for this FOREVER... so just do this thing already because I want to see results! There were actually times that I would say things like, "Lord, this would be the perfect time..." When I think back on it now, all I can say is GRACE. I'm so thankful for His never-ending mercy and grace! To be so arrogant as to think that I knew better than God. How innately human of me!

As I was sulking in my humanness, I thought of my grandmother. She didn't get to see the results of her prayers. I wish she had. The last time I saw her, I was a very pregnant first time mom-to-be, who had accepted Jesus into my life, but still hadn't told anyone about the violence and didn't know the first thing about dealing with my past. I was a mess and didn't know it. She and I had been so close when I was young, but it had been several years since we had had the chance to really have a heart to heart. She was sick, really sick. And that day, I sat on the edge of the bed next to her and she gave me "mommy" advice. In her 'no nonsense' fashion, she told me I would be a good mom and to listen to my gut. And that I was smart and "don't let anyone tell you different." And "don't be afraid." It was all the things she taught me as a kid, rolled up into a few short sentences.

She didn't know anything about my life that day - only that she loved me. She prayed, she loved, she let God do the rest. There's a lesson I need to learn.

I have no doubt that God honored that woman's prayers. No one goes through the trials I lived through and have the life I have now without someone praying for them! Even if those prayers went up YEARS before the trauma started! God has no timeline! What we see in front of us is but a blink of time in God's world. And as much as we wish we could, we can NOT read ahead in His Book of Life for us. He is the only one that knows our story through to completion. What we see as a tragedy at the moment, may very well lead to the greatest love story of all time... it did for me.

I believe God heard her prayers and kept me safe. Kept me alive so that I could be here for this very time. A time when our world is full of violence. A time when others need to hear that God hears us, even through our trauma. And no matter how much hurt or how much shame the world wants us to carry, God wants us to live in freedom of ALL OF IT! The world has a thousand explanations and excuses for the violence, and God has one answer... LOVE.

So, I'm trying to learn my lesson... with humility. To PRAY with no agenda. To be obedient when He asks me to pray for someone, but to take myself out of the equation and to remember that His timeline is perfect in EVERY way. And to LOVE. To pray, to love, and to rest in the comfort that He has everything under control. Just as it should be.

Luke 10:27 He answered, “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”