Strumming along

When I was in the 7th grade, I wanted a guitar more than anything else on earth. I didn't know anyone else that played an acoustic guitar, so I thought it would be cool. I knew I could sing a little, so it made sense to me.

I was so happy that Christmas when I got one. It came with a beginner's instruction book and I thought I was set! Not so fast, smarty pants. It was WAY harder than I thought it was going to be. I had had one whole year of music lessons in the 4th grade when I bravely decided to try the clarinet. Clearly not my thing. I knew just enough about reading music to be dangerous. But this was different. This time I was doing it because it was MY idea; something I really wanted to do. In the 4th grade, the band teacher came into the classroom and made it sound like EVERYONE was supposed to pick an instrument... so I did. The guitar wouldn't involve school. The guitar was MY thing.

My parents let me take lessons from a lady in town and I actually started to learn something. I was even feeling confident enough to start writing some of my own songs until...

I was in the band room working on something for the dance team and I got too chatty with our choir teacher, which led to him finding out I knew how to play the guitar. I knew as soon as the words passed my lips that I had made a mistake. I wanted so badly to hit "pause" and erase the tape, but it was too late. Before I knew it, he had me agreeing to play for the choir class.

What had I done? It was MY thing, not their thing. I didn't want the whole world knowing about my thing. I had worked hard... but it was just for me.

So, I came up with a plan. The next day I talked to the choir teacher and we made a deal. I would play one song for our choir class, one solo, and then my guitar career at school was over - unless I VOLUNTEERED to do more at a later date. (That second part was his idea.)

But then, I suddenly realized that I had never sang by myself in front of anyone before. I sang in the privacy of my bedroom almost everyday, but in front of my peers...NEVER. The thought made me sick. And the day I was to sing, I was a nervous wreck. My hands were shaking, my stomach was a mess; I just knew I'd forget all the words or I'd bust a string and look like an idiot.

I was a little shaky at first, but it didn’t take long, and I was comfortable with the situation.

I never played at school again. Not because I was scared, but because I didn’t need to. I didn’t have anything to prove. I knew I could do it without falling apart and no one else needed to be part of my thing. It was mine and I was good with that. No, I don't play anymore. I sold my guitar after graduation thinking I would get a better one... and then, life happened. I haven't played a note since I was 18. I still sing and I love it. It clears my head and sometimes my heart.

What I learned back then has stuck with me, and I’m grateful the teacher convinced me to play in front of my peers. What I do, who I do it for, why I do it - all questions that run through my head every time I step in front of a crowd. Some answers are obvious, others, not so much.

God has such a wonderful sense of humor. That 15-year-old girl who refused to play the guitar in front of her peers turned into a youth group leader/pastor and now, I’m most comfortable standing in a room full of freshmen educating them about healthy relationships.

As I think back to that 15 year old, I was holding on so tightly to ‘my thing’ – I needed something to be MINE, to be an individual. And now, I think about how many other kids are feeling the same way. The world has changed in a lot of ways since then, but people don’t. We still grow up and have to deal with life. Life happens. And I know there are kids, teenagers, out there struggling to be individuals. To find something that makes them feel worthy of BEING.

That’s what I think about as I look out at those freshmen. How many of them are needing a ‘thing?’ How many are grasping at something, anything, to feel good about themselves - to feel worthy? I can’t stop life from happening, but maybe I can be a tiny part of that life for them. Maybe God will soften a heart, open a door, change a mind… give me another opportunity.

The world has changed, but people don’t. I’m still doing ‘my thing.’ It’s just a little different thing.

1 Peter 5:6-7 ESV Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.