Should old acquaintance be forgot...

Another year is almost gone. I think most people will gladly wave goodbye to 2020. It has been a challenge, to say the least. But for the most part, I think we can say we faced our challenges and learned that we are capable of more than what we thought we were. Our communities pulled together, people reached out, and we saw neighbor helping neighbor.

With the new year comes the proverbial resolution. I'm not a big fan of the New Year's Resolution. Maybe it's because I can never keep them. Or maybe it's because I feel like every day should feel like a fresh start. Like you should have the attitude that you can wake up each day and think "Today is going to be better than yesterday. I'm wiping yesterday's bad attitude off the board!"

That being said, I did have a goal for the end of this year and I am disappointed that I haven't achieved it. I have a few days left, but my chances don't look good right now.

For those of you that have been with me throughout this journey, you know that I am adopted and through Ancestry.com I have found most of my birth family. My birth father passed away many years ago, but my mother is still alive. After I found some of my siblings, I questioned if I should reach out to her. At that time, I decided against it. I was still hurt that she had never attempted to find me. I wouldn't have been hard to find - I had signed up on every adoption registry available at the time - all she had to do was look. And I didn't want to cause trouble. What if no one in her family knew about me, about us? Now there's a scene I could go without!

But as time has gone by, the fear has changed to logic. She isn't a young person anymore and neither am I. Reason would stand that we both have questions, we both deserve answers. And God has taught me that fear is only a deterrent if I let it be. "Fear not" is used at least 80 times in the Bible. Repeatedly, He reminds me that He is my strength and my hope.

So, after I set my fear aside and decided I was going to reach out to my birth mother, God quickly laid it on my heart that I needed to forgive her. I had told myself I was okay with whatever conversation took place, shall we ever actually meet or talk, but forgive her... that was different. I had lived with the thought that she had given me away, never told my father that I existed, and had never looked back.

You would think it would be easy to reason it away, to see all the reasons why she did what she did. She was 17 years old, pregnant for the second time, being raised by a single mom... her life could not have been easy. But I lived with the thought of being unwanted. The first of many 'unwanted' feelings I had to deal with in my life. And as I prayed to God to help me forgive her, I realized that letting go of that initial hurt in my life might be the last bar in the cage that has kept me locked inside my box. That box that God has been nudging me to step outside of.

I prayed the words "Lord, I forgive her" but did I really mean it? I wasn't sure. I wanted to mean it. I was tired of carrying the hurt. For years I kept thinking - how could a mother never look back? The thought of not knowing what happened to my children, if they were safe or where they were, would break my heart. I love my children more than I can put into words. And then it hit me. Is there anything my children wouldn't forgive me for? Is there ANY circumstance in which my children would turn their backs on me and NEVER forgive me? The thought brought tears to my eyes. The thought of my children willfully turning their backs on me put this situation in a whole new perspective.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. We hold onto grudges and anger because we think it gives us some sort of power, when in fact, the longer we hold onto them, the more power we give to others. Our strength, our freedom, comes when we learn to forgive. Forgiving my birth mother lifted weight off my shoulders that I have carried for years! Once again I'm proving to be a slow learner, but I guess better late than never.... ?

I meant every word that I wrote in the letter I sent to her. It went to the post office today. My original goal was to contact her by the end of the year. That probably won't happen since she's getting it via snail mail. And what she does with the letter once she gets it is her decision. But I've made my decision and I'm good with that.

Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.