Scars fade, but never disappear

Two weeks ago, God was gracious enough to give me the opportunity to give the Sunday morning message at one of our local churches. Once again, I find myself humbled every time the Creator of Heaven and Earth looks upon all the choices He has in this world and yet chooses me to do ANYTHING. It is an honor I do not take lightly.

I had prepared a message - was actually pretty impressed with myself for not procrastinating - but at the last minute felt like God was urging me to change directions. So, the last 6 days, I spent preparing something new, something a little more out of my comfort zone... imagine that.

In the last 35 years, I have shared bits and pieces of my story and my testimony with victims and survivors. I have recalled moments of my past in the words on my blog. But I have never stood before a room full of people and revealed my testimony as victim, to survivor, to advocate, to Child of the King. Until last Sunday.

And as much as I’d love to tell you all about THAT, God had something even bigger planned for me that day.

You see, in my week of preparing my “new” message, I had to decide which parts of my life to share. I had to stop and ask myself, “Which event ultimately led me to Jesus?” “Which parts of my life CHANGED my life?” “How many parts of my life are different since Jesus entered my life?”

The church told me I only had 20 minutes to speak. How was I going to fit my life into 20 minutes!! I wasn’t. There was no way. I finally decided I wasn’t even going to try. So, I went with the first thought God had laid on my heart the moment I knew I was supposed to give my testimony and I focused on that. I worked it out on paper, and He even gave me some scripture to go with it and in the end, I didn’t even need my notes on Sunday morning. It went better than I ever expected. It was like I had been preparing for it all along.

But as I was driving home that Sunday morning, I was overcome with emotion. Emotion that lasted for days. I can’t explain it, it just happened – every time I prayed, every worship song I heard, every time I tried to write, every time I was around people that I loved and cared for. They weren’t sad tears; they were thankful tears. Tears of gratefulness. Healing tears.

My life doesn’t fit into one neat little package – one 20-minute message. I’m assuming that’s the case for most people. I can’t pick out one individual event that made me see the light or made me seek His face. Because as I look back, my entire life is my testimony.

Let me try to explain.

Do you know how many opportunities He had to take me out of this world? To let me have my way? How many times I put my own life in danger with copious amounts of alcohol and random drugs? How many times I don’t remember driving home or driving to WHEREVER after being out all night? And I'm not even going to count the abuse at the hands of someone else or the suicide attempt. I should not be here. I SHOULD NOT BE HERE!

Even after I accepted His mercy and His grace and was married with a “normal” life, I would be driving down the highway by myself and a wave of “panic” would wash over me and a little tiny voice in the back of my mind would whisper, “if you hit that tree head on at full force, it would end it” or “that’s a really steep drop off, that would do it.” In those times of deadly whispers and moments of confusion, Jesus would step in and say, “Your children need you. We’ve got this. Your past is your past, your children are your future. WE can do this.” He didn’t just save me from everything else, He saved me from myself.

I would not have survived without Jesus. He has saved me over and over and over again.

Had He let me have my way, I would not have 4 beautiful children. I would not know the joy of pure love when a grandchild wraps their arms around my neck. I would not know the genuine happiness of falling in love. I would never have had the chance to serve Him and feel the honor that holds. And I would never have had the opportunity to help other victims in their time of need.

Trauma doesn’t end just because you walked away from it! It takes years to feel “normal.” Even then, it's not like a sickness you can take a pill for and it just goes away. It is a wound - a deep wound. It will heal over time, but it leaves a scar that reminds us of our past and the struggle it took to get to where we are.

With the love and support of many, I am much better now. I still bear the scar, but it is a reminder of all the times Jesus saved me, each time He intervened with an encouraging word to calm my heart or strengthen my faith. And no, there is not one particular event in my life that led me to Christ, but there is one epic moment that changed my life. Because the moment they nailed Jesus to the cross, He traded my life for His. He gave me the chance to lay my sins and my past at the cross and start anew. And I am reminded of that each and every day I open my eyes to start a new day.

THAT moment will change my life forever.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.