Red Team "Jesus"

I left for work this morning in a good mood. I got a haircut this week. Few things rejuvenate a girl’s confidence like a little pampering and a new hairdo! Having one bad hair day after another does terrible things to your attitude. I know it sounds vain, but it's an awful way to start your day.

It’s funny how we see ourselves in the mirror. I don’t like mirrors or cameras, never have. I rarely wear makeup and I don't like hairdos that I have to spend too much time on. I spend as little time as possible in front of the mirror. Why? Why can’t I just look at the face God gave me and be okay with it? Why can’t I smile at the face in the mirror and know she is as okay on the outside as she feels on the inside?

Maybe she’s not so okay on the inside? Maybe her confidence and poise are a mask for the self-doubting and hesitant person that hides behind the smile.

I often wonder if anyone REALLY knows me. The only one that’s been with me through everything is Jesus. Even when I didn’t know He was there, even when I didn’t want Him to be there, He was there. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all my own doing. I chose to hide behind the smile. I chose to not let people in. People have tried to break the walls I have built around myself, but a skilled worker leaves no cracks. And I have a lifetime of experience!

Throughout the years, I let a handful of people see little pieces. A sliver of panic and depression, a sliver of guilt and shame, a sliver of anger and hate, a sliver of jealousy and rage, a sliver of fear... a peek at the ugly I feared would look back at me in the mirror. It's a scary, scary thought to let someone into your world - a world you fear no one will understand. I battled thoughts of suicide for years, even after I became a Christian. What most people don't understand and what I didn't understand, is trauma, left unchecked, has the same affect as PTSD. It physically changes your brain. Just like soldiers trying to adjust to 'normal life' when they come home, trauma victims can't just flip a switch once they've left their abuser and be okay. It takes special counselors with trauma training to make a difference.

And for those of us that didn't have any counseling, each path is a little different. Some have a wonderful support system or utilize support groups. Some never realize how hard it is to do alone and fall captive to whatever means will make the pain go away. For me, it took YEARS of normal life before my hands stopped shaking and my heart stopped pounding every time I wanted the chaos in my brain to end. My children saved me from taking my own life. Each time I thought I couldn't take the chaos anymore, God reminded me of my kids and what I would leave behind.

And Jesus is the only reason I'm even alive to talk about it. I could have, should have, died a dozen times before giving my life to Him. When I look back at my past now, I know He saved me for this very moment. He knew all those battles He helped me win would prepare me for this.

And what is “this?” It doesn't matter what it is. Whatever He's calling me to do, I am ready. There is nothing that can't be done as long as He is with me. He knows every scar, every battle wound. He knows, because He was there, beside me.

Psalm 73:26 NIV My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.