Rebel with a cause

Recently, I was talking with a friend of mine about motherhood and work and spending time with our kids, and I started reflecting on the time I spent as a stay-at-home mom.

I was blessed to have the privilege of staying home with my children before they started school. My girls were never in daycare. I know that’s something most kids can’t say these days. It wasn’t a financially motivated choice; it was just a choice. One I will NEVER regret.

I know the world is going through some significant changes right now, but the early 1990s was the height of the women’s movement. Women were fighting for equality in the workplace and women were finally getting elected into government positions. As a woman, you were EXPECTED to go to work to “prove a point.”

When I made the choice to be a stay-at-home mom, I went against the norm. I know friends and family had a hard enough time figuring me out, and now I was doing it again. I wasn’t like everyone else. I know they thought I did it on purpose, just to be different, but that wasn’t the case. I just needed to do what was right for me.

People always joke and say kids don’t come with instructions, but I tried parenting that way. I read every book I could get my hands on! I was so afraid of messing up. Did God not understand who He was dealing with? He was about to give ME the responsibility of motherhood…ME. Probably not His best move in the mental state I was in. At least that’s what I was thinking at the time.

It’s funny, you spend months preparing for motherhood and then when the time comes, you wing it. Daughter #1 was born in a blizzard. Yes, in the hospital, but we were snowed in the hospital, which meant extra days in town. Extra hospital time meant extra training in breastfeeding and it turned out to be the best gift ever. Staying home and nursing was a match made in heaven and I was good at it. And I just broke rule #2! No one else I knew had ever done it. So now, not only was I a stay-at-home mom… I was a breastfeeding stay-at-home mom. Lord, help me for being a rebel!

What I learned from parenthood is to trust my instincts. Trust my gut. Listen to that still small voice. The key there is I LEARNED! Parenthood taught ME. God gave me children to TEACH ME. I learned to look past myself, past my fears. I learned to pay attention and be aware of life. It made me want to be better, be happy, be free. It made me want to be the kind of person my kids would want me to be. The person God wants me to be.

I stopped listening to all the voices on the outside telling me how I should do things, and started listening on the inside. I stopped reading the books, I stopped listening to what everyone else was doing and I started doing what was right for me, for my children. It was hard. But it was exactly what I needed... what we needed. I learned to rely on that still small voice.

I know parenthood is supposed to be about me preparing my children for life, but God used parenthood to prepare me for life. Life past the violence. Parenthood taught me that I was capable of love. Love bigger than words and emotions, fears and trembling. Parenthood made me look in the mirror and see a person I longed to be, instead of the person I had been running from. God used my children to wrap me in conditional love. His love.

I could have read a thousand Bible verse about unconditional love, hundreds of scripture chapters about forgiveness and grace, but living it out every day with my kids was the example I needed. God knew it was going to take the love of my children to wash away the pain of my past.

And so, it continues. My children are grown and starting families of their own. Parenthood never stops, every parent realizes that at some point. And, some things never change. There have been times throughout my life I have found myself grasping the fringes of truth, barely hanging onto the faith I once boldly proclaimed to be mine. And in those moments of weakness, all I have to do is glance around me. And there, He quickly reminds me of His unconditional love, forgiveness, and grace. I see it in the smiles of my children, I hear it in their laughter around the table as we gather for a meal, I feel it as my heart breaks when they share their pain, I see it in the smiles of my grandson, and I feel it when he wraps his arms around my legs when he greets me at the door.

I know it seems too simplistic, but God is love. We live in a world full of hate and trauma, maybe it is that simple. Love. God.

1 John 4:16 NIV And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.