Pour like rain

I can't believe I'm almost 60 years old and still trying to figure out who I am. Just when I think I have it figured out some weird life choice comes along and makes me question my identity.

I'm not sure why this surprises me. I feel like this has been a lifelong journey... or maybe the proverbial thorn in my side. This identity thing. Maybe that's how everyone feels. I don't know. Or maybe it's God's way of keeping my attention.

Disclaimer: Nothing I'm about to say is anyone's fault - it's just life!

Life. You know that thing that happens between birth and death. It's different and unique for each of us. If life was the same for everyone, no one would learn anything. There would be no joy, no sorrow, no good, no bad... just breathing. There would be no surprises. There would only be existing.

Some of you know that I'm trying to write a book. The key word there is TRYING! I've started 3 times - and deleted 3 times. People say 'Write about what you know.' That would be easier if I KNEW who I'm supposed to be. My list is rather long: mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, daughter, friend, coworker, teacher, mentor, student, etc. I love all those things, but at the core, from where do I draw my strength? Who is that person in the mirror each morning?

I would love to say I'm a mom first - that's what my heart wants to say. But the mom in me sits inside the daughter in me. And the daughter in me is conflicted... or maybe just lost.

I've noted before that I have a hard time feeling like I FIT anywhere. I think that's because I never felt like I belonged anywhere. As an adopted child, I think it was normal for me to always question my worthiness in life. What was wrong with me? Why didn't my mother want me? I think those questions arise whether your adopted family is loving or not. I think it's just a natural response. I also think that as a child you have those questions without consciously realizing you feel that way.

I am thankful that my parents never kept my adoption a secret. As a kid, my mind ran wild with scenarios of why my mother "gave me away." Everything from 'she must have been a runaway' to 'she just didn't want ME." Hence, all the questioning of what was wrong with me. Even though, as a kid, I had a loving family I'm not sure any situation would have stopped the questioning.

As I look back I can see everything I did (or didn't) accomplish was filtered through my delusion of self-worth. Especially with men. And as a teenager, I set myself up for failure! If a boy was elusive, then I was ugly or dumb. If a boy showed interest, I anticipated the rejection. And heaven forbid a boy show genuine caring and kindness... maybe this is THE ONE! The one person who would finally love me for who I really am. My visions of our future perfect little family were engraved on my heart!

And nothing changed as I got older. I just added adult problems to my filter of delusion. With every failed relationship my bag of "I'll never be good enough" just got heavier. Abusive partner - I had that coming. Unfaithful partner - I was never going to be good enough anyway. Selfish partner - I must not be trying hard enough. When I look back it makes my heart hurt!

No one set out to put me on that path. When I was a kid, no one said "Let's put her down the path of self-destruction." It was just life happening. Or was it?

As I sit here today, I have the privilege of seeing the bigger picture. A picture my younger self had no way of seeing. I see how that filter of delusion affected my friendships, my jobs, my parenting - my life. But I also have the privilege of seeing God painted in the background.

2 Corinthians 3:18 says, "And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." From one degree of glory to another. God is revealing His glory one glory at a time!

It reminds me of the raindrops. One drop doesn't grab our attention. But as they keep coming and building in number, you see the puddle... or maybe a lake. I didn't see the drops of glory for many years - mostly because I wasn't looking. But now I see the pool of glory He created in my life! Every drop along the way meant something, it was important, but it has taken me all these many years to step back and see the flood of glory He designed in my life.

Now that child of misperceived delusion sees how God protected her, comforted her... saved her. I can look back and acknowledge the "one degree of glory" at a time. I can see His grace and mercy in each difficult moment. And how each of those moments led me to HIM.

Because now that child of misperceived delusion is a child of God - a daughter of the King. And no filter of the past can remove the crown He placed upon my head. No thing or no one can erase the lessons learned or the drops of glory that cleansed my soul. God made a way for me when I thought there was no way. To God be the glory!

Romans 8:17

“And since we are His children, we are His heirs. In fact, together with Christ, we are heirs of God's glory.”