'Night Grandma

So, I had the privilege of spending some time with my grandson over the weekend. Nothing makes me happier! I know his "terrible two" attitude can sometimes test the patience of his parents, but his laughter and his giggles touch places in my heart that no one else has access to. It's like letting your toes sink in the nice, warm sand on the first day of vacation... it warms you up and all your cares melt away.

He and I usually play when we're together. I want him to always know that our time is special, that I'm there for him. I think because my grandmother played such an active role in my life, I want him to have the same experience. I may not be able to be there every weekend, like my grandmother was, but I can make my time with him count.

I love the age he is now. He's learning so many things. And he's talking. It's so much fun to have a conversation with him. His side of the conversation is much more interesting that mine, but it doesn't stop me from trying.

I was trying to distract him from jumping on his bed - I was assuming his parents wouldn't approve - so I started reading him a story. The Grandma plan worked. Soon he was sitting on the bed looking at books "reading" with me. I could tell his attention span was wavering, so I closed a book, laid my head down, and said, "Grandma's going nigh-night" and I made a loud snoring noise. He instantly laid his head on my tummy and said "K. Night. Love you."

I'd never heard him say the "L" word before! I melted into a puddle of mush. I never knew my heart could feel like that. I say those words to him every time I see him, but to hear them back is a whole different story. I say those words to him because I don't want him to ever doubt how many people in his life love him, how much I love him. And I know that right now, he might not know exactly what those words means, but I do know that he is surrounded by love... and he knows that.

The next morning I was sitting in church, still feeling warm and overwhelmed by love from the day before, when it occurred to me that Jesus' love should feel like this. Oh my gosh... when WAS the last time Jesus' love felt like that? Had it EVER felt like that?

My brain started spinning. Jesus and I have been through a lot together! I have been through the spectrum of emotions over the years - sad tears, happy tears, yelling in anger, shouts of joy, and the silent peace of knowing He was right beside me. But warm, giggly love? The "please just say it again" kind of love that makes your heart smile and your face light up? My mind was scanning through memories trying to recall something, ANYTHING.

I started thinking about all the things He's loved me through, all the times He was there for me when I wasn't capable of life on my own. The day I walked away from the drugs, the day I asked Him to be my Lord and Savior, the day He saved me from the ledge, the day I surrendered and asked Him to be my Counselor, the day I said, "Here am I, Lord. Send me."

And as all those memories sat on my heart and the flood of gratitude for His grace and mercy washed over me, I whispered, "I love you, Lord." Then suddenly, I could picture Jesus' face light up and I could almost hear Him say, "Please, just say it again."

Why hadn't I thought of that before? I'm the toddler in this relationship! I'm the one that doesn't totally grasp the gravity of His love. All this time I have been relying on Him, asking Him to take care of me. And like the loving Father He is, He never fails. What I hadn't ever considered is how much joy He might get from hearing us praise Him - hearing His children say "I love you."

His love is unconditional. His love is forever. His love is like that of a parent. As a parent, as a grandparent, I can easily put myself in that position. I love my children and my grandchildren unconditionally. I love their hugs and their "Love you's" - why wouldn't our heavenly Father love the same? Why had I not thought of the JOY I bring Him in saying those words?

I think it's hard for me to think that I could bring Him true joy. My life has been such a mess and He's seen it all. He knows every horror, every mistake. And yet, He loves me unconditionally. He smiles when I smile, He cries when I cry, and I believe He rejoices when I "love" Him.

So, in this moment, I will put myself in the place of a child. A child of God. I will let my heavenly Father wipe my tears and tend to my wounds. I will ask for help when I cannot cope with the life I have created for myself and when I have made a mess of things. And I will smile, maybe even laugh, when I think of the joy He feels as I praise His name with "I love you's." For I may not be able to comprehend exactly how deep His love is for me, but I do know that I am surrounded by grace, surrounded by mercy... surrounded by love.

Thank you, Lord. I love you.

Romans 15:13 ESV

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.