My choice, my voice.

I've had migraines for thirty-one years. They started when I was pregnant with baby number one. I don't really remember the first one. That's because when I first started getting them, I didn't know that's what they were, and when I described the fatigue and nausea to my doctor, he told me it was part of being pregnant. So, for months, I trusted his words and assumed it was all baby-related. It wasn't until a year later, when I was laying on the bathroom floor vomiting from the pain in my head, that I knew something was wrong... terribly wrong.

I have seen many doctors and specialists and tried almost every migraine treatment available. I even had a total hysterectomy! Some treatments have worked for a short period of time, but for the most part, I have gradually developed a very high pain tolerance. The downfall of that is that I can function under conditions that most people can't, which makes it easy for me to hide my pain.

On more than one occasion, I have been awakened at 4am by a migraine, I've taken meds, wrapped my neck in ice, laid in bed until my alarm went off because I was too uncomfortable to go back to sleep, then took a hot shower to get the blood pumping, and worked a normal day with a migraine hangover. And if you don't know what a migraine hangover is, imagine having the flu after you haven't slept for 3 days... you might be somewhere on the same page. And most of this happened without anyone knowing anything was wrong. I smiled and went through my day as usual - migraine unnoticed.

I know I don't have an "active" treatment plan like some people do, but I do have meds that make the head pain better. Thirty years ago, doctors didn't have the advanced meds they have now. Thirty years ago, they handed me a bottle of Tylenol with codeine in it and told me to go to bed. What? I had a baby and then a baby and a toddler. I couldn't just take something that made me sleep for 6-8 hours whenever a migraine hit. I would have to wait until their dad was home or fit it into his schedule, and even then, it didn't FIX the problem, it just put a band-aid on the symptoms. Now, I have meds that actually make the "headache" go away. Sometimes it takes a couple of doses, but it does work. And it doesn't make me sleepy. What most people don't understand is that there's a lot more to a migraine than the "headache."

What if my doctor had never listened to me? What if he had kept insisting that my symptoms were all part of being a mom? ...that my migraines never existed? How miserable would I be? Could I have handled the pain? Would I have still built up the pain tolerance? What would my life be like?

He would have been asking me to live a lie. Why? So that he wouldn't be wrong? So that I would look like a better mom? Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?

But isn't that what we're doing to our domestic and sexual violence victims every day? Everyday pastors and churches across our country tell women they should stay with their abusive husbands. That it's the "biblical" thing for them to do - that they should stay and work on their marriage. That's what a good wife does. The church has used scripture to guilt and shame victims into staying in relationships that have used guilt and shame to manipulate these victims into submission. And the result is a church with women full of guilt and shame and thinking they're doing the right thing and men feeling justified in their actions.

So, if the church refuses to listen - really listen - and keeps telling us that it's just a marital issue, will we be able to handle the pain? Will we be able to build up a tolerance to the violence?

We already have. Our pews are full of people hurting and desperate for the freedom that can only come with grace. But grace cannot reside with guilt and shame. And until the church can admit its part in the victimization, victims will not find freedom within its walls. Of course, not every church is guilty. While doing my homework, I did run across a handful of churches who openly spoke about abusive relationships, but they are few and they are rare.

We shouldn't be shocked by any of this. For as "open" and "woke" as we are supposed to be, our culture hasn't really changed much over the past 30 years. We still have states that have very loose definitions of rape and sexual battery. Especially when it comes to marriage and violence. We even have states where it's still legal to rape your spouse if she's incapacitated – drugged, drunk, or unconscious – or otherwise physically helpless. We also have states where that's the ONLY way it's illegal to rape your spouse. So, if she's incapacitated, it's against the law, but if you duct tape her to the bed and torture her it's okay, because she's your wife!

States get away with this, because officially, they have a spousal rape law on the books. What the public fails to realize is, is that some of these laws are archaic! And unless you are on the losing side of the courtroom, you would never know what the other side is getting away with.

The only way any of this changes is if WE change. Laws don't change unless we voice our opinion. Churches don't change unless we make our voices heard or their parking lots are empty. We have choices. We can make a difference. We don't have to accept someone else's opinion just because of their title or position. There are enough of us and enough of those who support us, to end the tolerance. It's time to be heard!

I think victims have lived with the tolerance long enough. How much longer will we make them go day to day living in the violence unnoticed?

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 ESV

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.

It's time to start speaking out. To be bold. If you have a community or civic group that you feel would be interested in hearing more about this subject, please contact me. HOME is the most dangerous place to be for a woman in our country... that doesn't change, without a voice.