Mirror, mirror on the wall

I recently had a conversation with my oldest daughter. I was pleasantly surprised to hear she actually looks forward to by blog. It's comforting to know that the two of us can have such open conversations about life now... that wasn't always the case. I know I wasn't always honest with her, especially when she was in high school. I thought I was protecting her, but in all fairness, I was protecting myself. And even that, I wasn't good at.

My mom and I never got along. From the time I was in middle school until she passed away, we constantly butted heads. She had a drinking problem, one I resented and blamed for many things. Anything that went wrong between us, I blamed on the alcohol. As the oldest child, I felt compelled to shield my siblings from things my mother "might" do under the influence. I remember horrible fights she and I would have on Saturdays in her bedroom with the door closed and I would storm out of that room knowing none of my words had changed anything. And then I would walk around the house the rest of the time pretending everything was okay.

I never told my friends how I felt or shared with anyone else in my family the anger and frustration that I dealt with. After the domestic violence and rape happened, I wanted so much to be able to talk to my mom, but I could never do that. It was then that I swore I would NEVER be like my mom.

My mom passed away at a very young age, 51. I was a young mom and still trying to figure out who I was. And I didn't take the time to really absorb anything, and those hurt feelings just kind of sat there, a wound unhealed. And then a few years ago, God put some people in my path that put some stitches on that old wound. Without even knowing it, they told me HER story.

My mom married my dad when she was 17 years old. Dad was the only guy she'd ever been with and she was crazy about him. All she ever wanted to be was a wife and a mom. She wanted to raise babies and have supper on the table when her husband got home. That was her dream. And her dream came true... for a little while. Until my youngest sister started kindergarten, Mom was a stay-at-home mom and we were the perfect "normal" family. And then Mom's world fell apart. It didn't make sense for her to be home all the time and Dad asked her to work part time. That doesn't sound like a big deal for most people, but for Mom, it meant the end of her dream. It meant that thing she had dreamed about her whole life was gone.

So, she coped. She coped the easiest way she knew how... with a beer. And then one bad day led to another bad day, and then pretty soon they were all bad days. And then she had this daughter yelling at her, telling her she needed to be different and she needed to be a better parent and why can't she just understand. And her life wasn't turning out the way it was supposed to and she thought it would be different by now, she thought it would be better and nobody understands how she feels inside and she can't explain it to anyone and it's just all locked up in this big hurtful mess and WAIT!

I was EXACTLY like my mom. The one thing I had been running from was looking at me in the mirror. Mom coped a life she couldn't deal with with a beer, I coped with a drink and a drug. All those Saturdays all I wanted from Mom was just for her to acknowledge some truth, some reality. When I think back to all the times my daughter would have been better off if I had just come clean, just been honest and said "Honey, you should know something..." instead of lying to her and making it sound like my life had always been so perfect, maybe she would have made different choices, or at least we would have been closer. While I was trying so desperately to protect my daughter from my past, I turned into the one person that I swore I would never be like.

I thank God every day that I've had the opportunity to apologize to my children. It's something I didn't get to do with my mom. I wish I had the chance to tell her that I understand, that I've walked in her shoes and it's not so fun. That my mom skills weren't that great either. I'd tell her I forgive her for not always being the person I needed her to be and I'd apologize for not being the person I should have been. Life is an endless cycle - what we see at this moment is but one word in the novel of our life. We have to learn not to dwell on one moment in time or we will miss the story.