Like rain...

It won't be a big shock to any of you when I say, I'm a very private person. As much as I truly believe in vulnerability and truth, I lead a pretty solitary life. Not that I don't have people in my life - I'm just not a social butterfly and it's difficult for me to share some parts of my life that I know people won't understand... even those that know me best.

It's funny how I've gotten used to sharing experiences from my past and my relationship with Christ, and now sharing those parts of my life don't seem as difficult. But when it comes to sharing my day to day struggles - THAT I'm not so good at. I know it still comes from that place deep within me that thinks I have to do it all by myself. That place that thinks I can't trust anyone. That place that thinks I'm all alone. And I know it's a matter of my head and my heart being on the same page. But once again, those18 inches might as well be the Great Divide.

I was reminded of that today, as I stood in the shower crying, uncontrollably. Lonely. Life feels incredibly lonely sometimes. The shower has always been my go-to place, my refuge in the storm. After the violence started, when I felt scared and defeated, I would wait until I was in the shower to cry, so he couldn't hear my fear. When I was a single mom and overwhelmed or afraid I couldn't give my girls everything they needed, I would hold it all in until I was in the shower. I just assumed they wouldn't be able to hear me crying with the water running. And now, when life gets to be too much, the water, once again, is mixed with tears of burdens, fears, and pain, as I pray for God to give me strength.

We all hear the headlines or see them on social media and think we want the world to be a better place - we want to do our part or wish we could do our part to make it better. For most of us, we feel like we can do little things, but we never really know how much of an impact we're really having on the big picture.

I've always been outspoken in my ethical beliefs - my view of the world, even before I knew Christ. What's the point of believing in something if you're not willing to fight for it? I think it comes from my dad. I can hear his voice in my head - "If you're going to do it, do it right." If I start something, I'm going to give it 100%. And he may not have been outspoken, but I was vocal enough for both of us.

For the record, I don't currently support any particular political party. I think both sides have lost sight of who they serve and what this country was founded on. I think it's vitally important that we, as American citizens, start thinking for ourselves instead of letting someone else do it for us. But I am proud to live in this country - I am proud to be an American. I have family members who served this country in the military. And I think we should teach our children and our grandchildren the importance of voting their conscience. To believe in something.

That being said, I have found myself in the middle of picking between my job and my conscience. And my conscience won. I hope I can say it will always win. I know in my heart that I made the right decision. I'm not questioning that. I just know I have to mentally and spiritually prepare for what is coming, because the hateful darts are already landing in my personal space... and it's scary!

I have been shocked at the cold and hurtful comments from people that have no idea what my situation really is. But then again, isn't that what our entire country is dealing with right now? People just talking about something they don't really understand. And very few stopping to think or ask a genuine question that they really want the answer to.

I spent some sleepless nights and agonizing days worrying about my future and my finances and all the things that snowball into one big anxiety mess, when it hit me...

I trust God...right? I say it, do I mean it?

Do I trust my Creator to handle this situation? To lay this burden at His feet and walk away - knowing He has it under control. I trust Him for other things, why wouldn't I trust Him for this? The God that created the heavens and the earth, the God that numbered the hairs on my head before He breathed life into my lungs, the God that sacrificed His Son so that I may live... THAT God! Do I trust THAT God?

God is so good! In my trials and fears, even in the last few days, He has given me moments of pure joy and let me know, without doubt, that He is right beside me. I cherish those moments! They renew my soul and give me hope. They give me the courage to write to you once again.

YES, I trust THAT God! The one and only Creator of heaven and earth. And no matter what the outcome, He has a plan for me and we will continue on this journey... together.

Isaiah 41:10 ESV

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.