Knock, knock

Shame is such a powerful tool that the enemy uses. And sometimes I think we use it on ourselves as much as the enemy uses it. Even after I started coming to terms with my secret, I didn’t tell anyone. It’s not that I meant to keep it a secret, I just didn’t know how to start that conversation. How do you start that conversation? How do you tell your friends and your family... "Hey, sorry I never told you about something that happened 15 years ago." or "Sorry I didn’t trust you enough to come to you when I needed someone." or "Sorry, I was afraid of what you'd say." Really? How was that conversation supposed to go? I felt stupid for thinking all those things, so I chose the alternative and didn’t say anything. I was ashamed and embarrassed for not doing what I knew I should have done all those years ago.

And then there was my kids. I never knew how to tell them. I kept telling myself that it didn’t matter if they knew or not, that telling them would hurt them more than help them. But what I failed to realize was not telling them was leaving out part of who I was. That secret shaped me as a person, as a mom. In good and bad ways. It swayed my decisions as a parent. It filtered my thoughts for discussions and goals for my kids. Granted, most of the time it was an unconscious process, but nevertheless, it was there. I was always able to have very open conversations with my children about most topics and looking back, I could’ve had a conversation with them about my secret also. They are smart, loving individuals, they would have been able to have that conversation, also. I regret not doing it years ago.

As I've said before, it took a long time to accept God's love and forgiveness. But even after that, I kept the secret of the violence committed against me. Not so much because I was afraid to talk about it, but because I was ashamed I hadn’t told anyone from the beginning. Once you’ve kept a secret for so long it’s hard to open that door. It's hard to justify keeping a secret that long. And I think there was a part of me that thought now that God and I had dealt with it, I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I guess I was wrong.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul writes of the thorn in his side that he prays three times to God to take away. But instead, God leaves it there to remind him of His grace. God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And Paul concludes, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

As soon as I prayed the words "Here I am Lord, send me," my secret became my thorn. And like Paul, I prayed many times for God to let it not be so. But once again, God's grace is more than sufficient. As soon as I stopped fighting and arguing with God and said "I'll do whatever You want me to do," my heart is at ease.

It is scary to put your life in God's hands and say “use my hands, use my feet, use my voice... use my past,“ but not doing it when you know you're supposed to is even worse. I don't know all the details of this adventure He has me on, and frankly, I don't need to know. My goal is to wake up every morning with the kind of attitude where I can say, "What do You have in store for me today Lord?" and pray that my eyes may see and my ears may hear all that He is.

God has already blessed me with this blog. It has allowed me to 'open the door.' My secret is no longer hidden. I have proven to myself that I can toss the secret out of the closet and expose it for God's purpose. His power is made perfect in my weakness.