Just your average Joe...

Victims live in a world of fear and deception. Not because they want to, but because they have to. They fear for their lives, their children’s lives, sometimes even for those that live close by. And they will do whatever it takes to keep the people they love safe – including deception.

It’s amazing what lengths you will go to stay alive… the survival skills that kick in when you’re pushed past the point of “normal”. NORMAL. Do we even know what normal is? It probably depends on who you ask. The dictionary defines it as “the usual, average, or typical state or condition.” Now there’s something to think about for a moment. The usual what? The usual husband, the usual wife. The average what? The average victim, the average abuser? The typical state of what… fear, trauma, power, control?

When was the last time you thought of yourself as AVERAGE or TYPICAL? That’s kind of a loaded question, don’t you think?

Some of you might be thinking that I took a simple definition and twisted it into what I wanted it to say, right? I manipulated it to suit my purpose, right? Welcome to the world of a domestic violence victim. Nothing she can do or say will change her situation. Her words will be twisted into whatever manipulative configuration will suit the abuser’s situation. And at that moment, she knows HE is in control and she is worthless. He is a master of manipulation. And what words do not accomplish, brutal force takes care of.

I think most people who have never had to think about violence in the home or only see it on TV, have a very skewed idea of what it’s like. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think so. I think they have this vision of an insecure woman settling for a man that she thinks will take care of her and the outcome is that he takes advantage of her weakness by beating her and manipulating her through fear. Most Hollywood and TV movies have no trouble perpetuating the stereotype. And in all honesty, it just makes life for those really living in the violence that much harder. How is anyone going to understand REAL life, if we’re constantly bombarded with lies and stereotypes.

It’s part of the problem in our churches. We don’t expect the NORMAL couple that sits next to us every Sunday to be not-so-normal when they walk into their home. We don’t expect their children to hide under the sheets at night as they listen to their mother’s arms and legs flail and hit the living room floor, because their father is holding a sofa pillow over her face. We don’t expect it. We don’t look for it. They’re normal. They go to church. They smile. They’re happy. If something was wrong, we would know. Someone would say something. They would say something… right?

Wrong.

The victim and the abuser will only let you know what they want you to know. And if there are children involved, trust me, they will follow suit. Do you think for one minute, they will do ANYTHING to put their mother’s safety at risk? Or she will put her children’s safety at risk? You will see only what is deemed necessary.

And the deception runs deep. She not only maintains it outside the home, she maintains it inside her home. She will keep a straight face and keep her composer as she tells her partner exactly what he wants to hear, no matter how much it makes her stomach turn. She will hold back tears as she holds her children and reassures them that she’s okay, even as the bruises are forming. And her voice will remain strong and steady on the phone with friends and loved ones when they call to make sure everyone is okay because they haven’t seen them for a while.

The deception gets to be second nature. Almost too easy. Sometimes you tell people you’re okay so many times that you start to believe it. It becomes your new normal.

And that habit is hard to break. Even after I was safe, and had nothing to fear, it was just easier to lie than let people know how I really felt. It was easier to keep a straight face and say I was fine, than to let anyone know about the nightmares and the fear that was trapped in my head.

But I have to confess… as I was thinking about this and getting ready to write this, there was a little voice inside me saying – you still do that. There’s lots of times when you still do that. And you know what… that little voice is right, I do.

I still hide. Many times, I still hide behind a smile or a laugh, sometimes even a confident, calm voice. But why? Why do I do it now? What am I so afraid of?

Maybe it’s just me, but as Christians, I think we’re just trying to protect ourselves. We’re trying to be NORMAL. The only problem with that is, which version of normal do we want to be? Whose version of normal is safest? Once again, we’re faced with a loaded question. Only this time, at least for me, the only person I’m protecting is me.

But once again, I feel manipulated. The world would want me to believe that whatever feels right at any given time is NORMAL. Whatever I want is NORMAL. Whatever the world wants is normal… Whatever the manipulator wants is normal. But my heart says something else. My heart says "Listen to that still small voice." My heart says "Do not be afraid."

I remember the days of fear – the days of fear and deception. They were hard and I promised myself I would never go back. Yet, here I am in a different world of fear and deception. Different, but the same.

Why is it so hard to be bold in our faith? Why do I stay silent when I should speak? Why do I speak when I should stay silent? I can think of countless opportunities that God has laid before me to share His love, yet I let them slip threw my fingers. Why? Who am I afraid of? What am I afraid of? Good question… that’s a really good question.

Maybe I'm afraid of the "brutal force" part of manipulation. There's always that question of, what words can't accomplish, brutal force will take care of. Our world is pretty good at that right now. The manipulation, the words, and the brutal force. Am I strong enough to face it all? Am I willing to put my God first, in spite of it all?

I get so irritated and disappointed in myself when I miss an opportunity. And that heaviness I feel on my heart that I used to think was guilt when I played a game or watched a movie that made me uncomfortable, I now realize is the Holy Spirit reminding me that He was there the whole time. And if I had just called on Him for help, He would have given me the courage and the strength to walk away.

I think we fear the unknown. How will people react? Who will we lose in the process? But maybe we’re asking the wrong questions. Maybe we should be asking, who will we gain and how can we help them?

We cannot assume anything! We cannot assume the family we sit next to in church on Sunday is normal by our normal standard. And we cannot assume that our neighbors or our coworkers are doomed to a life of hell just because they ride a motorcycle. And we certainly can’t assume that just because we make a stand for Jesus that we will lose everyone around us.

Stop and think… how did YOU come to know Christ? How did I come to know Christ? This world is full of hurting people. Who will tell them there is a love greater than flesh and blood, greater than sin and death? Who? If we continue to walk in fear, how will they ever come to know the truth?

I promised myself long ago, that I was done walking in fear, that I was done with the lies and deception. I think it’s time for another promise… another breakthrough. I escaped fear once before, not knowing what obstacles lay before me on the path, only knowing the path led to freedom. This time is much the same. But this time, the path has more than one set of footprints.

Psalm 118:6 ESV

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?