I refuse to be a house condemned!

A few months ago I was sharing with my pastor how I felt that God was tugging at my heart to do more, to step outside my comfort zone. And even though I’m not sure exactly what that means, I have felt that way in the past. But in the past I could always convince myself that I wasn’t worthy of the calling or I wasn’t ready yet. I could always talk myself out of stepping out of that comfort zone. This time is different.

I had been traveling to see family and friends, and found myself with some extra time one afternoon and it was a beautiful day, so I went for a drive. I didn’t just drive around town, I went for a DRIVE. I had been dealing with a lot at the time, I just needed to clear my head. And I'm assuming I'm not the only person that has somehow gotten to a destination without knowing how I got there. To cut to the chase, I ended up in the driveway of the house where I had been beaten and raped.

The house is now condemned, quite literally falling apart. I just stood there in the driveway, staring at a memory. I had not planned on going there, it just kind of happened. I had not mentally prepared, I had not put any thought into it, my head and my heart were frozen for a moment.

And then it occurred to me, this place had no control over me. The memory had no control over me. I didn’t feel fear. I didn’t feel like crying. My heart wasn’t racing… I was free! And then I knew, I knew exactly what I needed to do. Some would say it was God’s voice, some would call it clarity, some would say I’m crazy, I don’t care what you call it, all I know, is I left that day knowing exactly what I needed to do!

I knew I had to share my story. I knew I had to let others know that they could go from brokenness, like that old house, to freedom, like I felt that day standing in the driveway. Fear and shame are powerful weapons. And one of the saddest things is we use those weapons against ourselves just as much as others use them against us.

We get so used to living a life filled with fear and shame that even when we are free from those toxic relationships, we take it upon ourselves to bring the fear and the shame with us. Who needs someone else to wheel the weapons at us when we can simply hurt ourselves with the same weapons? Even after I was blessed enough to have a healthy relationship in my life and have Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I still couldn’t shake the fear and the shame that I willfully dragged with me. I would sit in church on Sunday mornings and think to myself - I know Jesus says that He loves me, but… There was always a BUT! I could never convince myself that I was good enough for Him. Obviously, He knew everything about me, so how could He possibly love me?

And then one weekend I heard a sermon from a very wise man that explained that sin is sin. There is no scale to compare one sin to another. To God, lying is as bad as murder... no one can say my sin isn’t as bad as your sin. It was the reason Jesus died for us. No one is sinless. We ALL need forgiveness. For the first time, I realized that Jesus died for everyone, Jesus died for ME! Up until that point, I had thought He was for everybody else, but not for me. I thought I wasn’t worthy of Him, worthy of His love. But I was wrong.

So that is one of my missions… To make sure that the women sitting in our congregations know that they are worthy. It’s lonely sitting in those pews thinking no one understands, ashamed of yourself for smiling and pretending that you’re okay. Thinking you’re not worth of the love of Jesus. Nothing is further from the truth.

Titus 3:4-7 ESV

But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to His own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.