I'm not feelin so good

Have you ever had one of those stomach bugs that liked to hang around, and all you wanted to do was throw up so you could feel better? Well… grab a towel, because I’m about to emotionally throw up all over!

As I have been trying to listen and be more open to what God has in store for me, I find myself looking more and more at the person I see in the mirror. I feel like God is reminding me that I have no control over anything else… except that person I see in the mirror every day. And THAT’S the person I should get to know, because I’m not sure I know her very well. My hope is that I like the person staring back at me.

I was once asked what my biggest secret was. I never answered. Or at least I didn't tell the truth, that’s why they call it a “secret.”

My answer is – I don’t fit anywhere. I’ve never fit anywhere. I MAKE myself fit. I’m like the last piece of tile in new flooring and you have to trim and cut and shape until it fits. I don’t fit, I’m made to fit. No one has ever just excepted me just the way I am. But I’m not sure who I am – I just know I feel that way. Let me explain.

My parents never hid the fact that I was adopted. They were always honest and up front about it. I even remember my dad telling me if I ever felt the need to find my birth mom, they would do whatever I asked of them to help. I was young then and didn’t have any interest in doing anything. But when I reached middle school, I changed my mind. I started asking questions. I didn’t want to find my birth family, I was just asking more questions. Dad was always willing to answer questions, but something happened between Mom and me.

I know my timing was bad. It was at this same time that I noticed the alcohol having a big affect in Mom’s life. But when I started asking questions about the adoption, Mom’s relationship with me changed. I know now that those questions must have hurt her. And while I was hurting her, having her turn cold and indifferent was hurting me. I felt unwanted and invisible. At the time, I blamed the alcohol, but I knew it was me. My birth mother didn’t except me and now my mom didn’t except me.

I am unwanted and invisible. That message was stamped on my forehead and after the domestic violence and the rape, it was engraved on my soul.

Relationships are hard. And we have so many of them – friends, co-workers, family, significant others, even the pizza delivery guy. Anyone we have an interaction or connection with is, at some level, is a relationship. And how do I handle relationships? I am constantly trying to fix “you are unwanted and invisible.”

For example, at any job I’ve ever had, I’ve always gone above and beyond the call of duty to be the best, do more than is expected of me, to make sure I would be WANTED and VISIBLE. It’s not even a conscious effort, but if I look back at all my jobs and I cannot deny it.

In every romantic relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve always treated my partner how I would want to be treated. I’ve made every effort to make sure they felt wanted and supported, special and visible. I thought if I treated them how I would want to be treated, then the treatment would be reciprocated. But that’s not how it worked. And when I didn’t get the same treatment in return, I would try even harder, doing anything and everything for them, thinking sooner or later they would catch on. But instead, I got nothing. So, I was left with “I’m unwanted and invisible.”

I’ve never had a romantic relationship that didn’t end with “I’m unwanted and invisible.” And I can't decided if that's their fault or my fault. I entered each one thinking, "Surely, this one will be different." And when the last one ended, I found myself hurting and in a place I just couldn’t move forward from. Until I realized I didn’t miss the relationship, I didn’t miss the person, I was upset because once again I found myself in that moment – in that hurtful feeling of being unwanted and invisible.

ONE. One relationship my entire life has not made me feel unwanted and invisible. Jesus.

There are no words for the comfort I find in my relationship with Christ. In Him there is no judgment, no grudges, no animosity, no secrets, no contempt, no scorn - only love and forgiveness, grace and mercy. Unless you have fully accepted everything Jesus has waiting for you, you can't possible understand the comfort THAT brings to a heart that has known nothing but "I am unwanted and invisible."

We all have a message stamped on our forehead. Some a little darker than others. Some were put there at a very young age, some a little later in life, but we all have one. The key is figuring it out. I know mine, but I didn't understand how much control it had over me. It was a part of almost everything in my life... every decision, every relationship, how I parented, how I thought of myself. Now that I understand the gravity of it, I can take a step back and rethink.

I know how Christ sees me. I know I am a child of the King. In Him, there is unconditional love, abundant grace, great mercy, and forgiveness of condemnation. Nothing over shadows the light that is Christ Jesus. And He sees me in the light.

So when someone says or does something that makes me feel unwanted or invisible, I need only to step into the light - His light. It's not always easy and I struggle sometimes to get there, but I know it's there. I know His light is close by. I feel it's warmth and know it's comfort. The light unto my path.

John 8:12 ESV

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”