I'm going in! Cover me?

I recently switched apartments. I went from a basement apartment to a third floor apartment. I love it! I love having windows and I have a lot more space and it just feels more like "home." Another benefit was it came with living room furniture - a couch, a loveseat, and two chairs.

Lets be clear, I know why the living room furniture stays with the apartment. No one in their right mind wants to haul heavy furniture up and down two flights of stairs. We obviously learned this the hard way. But despite it's outdated appearance, the furniture is in really good shape.

My first instinct was to throw a blanket over them. But then I realized I'd have to buy blankets in order to pull off a look that would work. I had a couch and loveseat demanding attention with that classic flowered, Victorian look and a couple of simple blankets weren't going to do it. So, after a week or two of living with them, a decided to get couch covers.

So I consider myself in average shape - I know I'm overweight, but I walk and I'm trying to watch what I eat, and I can hold my own in most situations. But these couch covers kicked my butt! I followed the instructions and still ended up taking 2 hours of doing and redoing, with a few modifications to make it work. In the end, I was exhausted. Thank goodness they looked good.

But here's the deal... they look good as long as you don't actually use them.

That's right, when you get up from the couch, you leave a wrinkled mess behind. The couch cover doesn't stay in place like it's supposed to. I don't care when I'm here by myself - I'm not going to tuck it back in every time. But what about when guests are here? Are they going to feel self-conscious about it? Will they even notice? I don't know.

And as I sat on the couch, exhausted from wrestling with the cover, I realized that my life has been a lot like the couch I was sitting on.

It started so new and innocent, and someone picked it out...on purpose, because they wanted it. And in the beginning, it was loved and part of a family, part of a home. But somewhere along the way, it got left behind. It wasn't worth someone's effort, someone's struggle. And covering up the wear and tear is easier than seeing the past. Funny thing is, the cover doesn't want to stay on.

I wonder about my "cover" in life sometimes, too. It has never fit right either. It never worked like it was supposed to. I put the cover on to protect myself, to keep me from getting hurt, getting dumped on. Yet, it has felt very transparent most of the time. I've always felt exposed... like people knew how to hurt me emotionally, even before I ever told my story. I always wondered how they knew how to do that. It never occurred to me that my hurt was built in. That I was already hurt and just covered it up.

That cover is a funny thing. My heart is torn and could go many directions on this subject. Part of me wants to say I've taken the cover off my life now, but I hesitate. Have I really? I'm always discovering hidden corners, dark secrets and new memories that I have to work through. It's a constant battle. A battle I cannot win.

But I don't have to win...

I had an interesting conversation with someone last week and shared part of my testimony. She's known me for a few months. She was shocked when I told her some of the events that took place in my past. She was having a hard time with the concept of the old me verses the new me, just because there's such a difference. But that's the whole point - that's what Jesus does for people. He gives them a new life.

I don't need the old "cover" anymore. Because now, I am covered by grace and mercy, and the blood of Jesus, through the cross. And even on my worst day, I would rather sit with Jesus on an old Victorian, flowered couch and look towards the future, then sit on a wrinkled cover by myself and try to hide the past. And when those memories creep up and I start to get overwhelmed, it's much easier to work through with Jesus by my side, than hiding under the cover. My battle is no longer mine to win... the battle belongs to the Lord.

So, I'm still deciding whether the couch covers are staying or not. I like the look, but not the concept. And there's part of me that keeps thinking there's potential under there. Potential that just needs a new perspective... a little grace.

1 Samuel 17:47 ESV

And that all this assembly may know that the Lord saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the Lord's, and he will give you into our hand.”