I got this!

I’m kind of a control freak. And I know some people will be shocked, but... my world works much better for me when I’m right all the time. Everyone in my life already knows I’ve planned every family vacation we’ve ever taken, every family gathering - including meals and activities, every home remodel and project, even if I’m given a project at work, I tend to overachieve for fear of failure.

That’s the organized, independent person I let everyone see. There was plenty of wavering insecurity no one got to see. But what you don’t know won’t kill you... right?

Extreme independence is a trauma response. It’s a survival tactic. It’s a way to guard your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment. It’s your heart’s way of saying “Too many people have let me down in the past and from now on, I’m doing it myself. At least if I do it, I can’t be disappointed by anyone. If I mess it up, there’s only me to blame. I’m not going to allow myself to be hurt anymore.”

The problem with doing everything yourself is, like a lot of people, I’m my own worst enemy. Even when others thought I succeeded at something, I thought I failed, or at least I assumed I could have done better. And events like failed marriages or struggles with my kids would make me start to question my most basic daily decisions. Not only did I not trust others, but I didn’t trust myself. I doubted decisions I'd made at work, I didn't trust choices I'd made for friends or companions. I got to the point that I couldn’t sleep, and there were times I would just leave my phone on silent so I didn’t have to talk to anyone.

It didn’t occur to me until recently the ironic similarities of my past and my present. As a victim, I made sure no one knew of the abuse happening in our home, in my relationship. And later, I made a conscious decision to keep the rape a secret. I let everyone think I was okay when it was definitely not okay. And then, when I’m supposed to be okay, I’m questioning my every decision, thinking I’m a failure and hiding from the world, all while walking around everyday with a smile on my face. Neither is what God wants for me.

Many years ago I heard someone say that there are two different types of people in this world... the ones God can tap on the shoulder and the ones God smacks with a two by four. I’m definitely the latter! Sometimes it takes me awhile to get the message, but when I get it, it’s loud and clear.

Trying to control my world left little room for God to work. Trusting no one meant not trusting God to do what He said He’d do. Letting go of the things that I thought were keeping my life safe turned into letting go of the things that were holding me back. Is it scary? Yes! Terrifying sometimes. But not trying to do it all by myself is wonderful! It is well worth the trade. Knowing God is in control and I don’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders is a blessing... a blessing He wants to give everyone.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. It keeps me balanced. On a good day, music can light up my entire world in praise. On a bad day, music can bring me back from the dark places that my mind can sometimes easily wander to. If you haven't checked out the music page yet, please do. I've included some of my favorites and there's more to come. This is just one example.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.