Holy imperfections

Not going to lie, I've been on the struggle bus lately. I could blame a dozen things, but in the end, I'm just frustrated with myself. Frustrated with all my imperfections that seem to be taking over my days... and my nights. And in all my discouragement, I battle with just how much I want to share - with friends, with family, with coworkers. I know it's hard to believe, but at my core, I'm really a private person. It does not come naturally for me to share. In fact, it's much the opposite. Which makes this blogging stuff a giant step outside my comfort zone!

I'm slowly learning that the blessings are in the obedience. Don't want to share my ugly secrets with the world? Do it because God told you to. Don't want to get up and speak in front of large groups? Do it because God told you to. Don't want to share hurt and shame? Do it because God told you to. I'd like to say I'm immersed in blessings, but shamefully, some days I feel like I'm still waiting.

But maybe my definition of a blessing is not God's definition of a blessing? Maybe I'm waiting for life to get easier, but maybe He's saying "The blessings come in the easy and the tough times. You just don't bother looking ALL the time." Goodness, just one more check I can put in the 'epic fail' column!

But let's do a reality check. (I need one right now.) Let's think about some of those big names in the Bible... Moses, David, Matthew, Paul. All very important roles in scripture. But sometimes it's easy to brush over the fact that they weren't perfect. Actually, their imperfections were the very reason God chose to use them.

Moses had a temper, a speech impediment, and no self confidence. He actually asked his brother Aaron to speak for him because Moses was so afraid of leadership. God used Moses as the perfect example of humility. Moses had to struggle through his weaknesses as he lead the Israelites out of Egypt. And he only accomplished that by taking his every instruction from God - by listening to God.

The imperfections of David are innumerable! His greatest probably being adultery and murder. And more than once scripture notes his ego. Does that sound like someone who should be King of God's people and the lineage of Jesus? No! But I think that was the point. God wanted David to know He always had his back, so to speak, even when David had to come begging for forgiveness.

And Matthew was a tax collector. And not just your run of the mill IRS agent. Tax collectors were known to cheat the people by charging them more than was required and then pocketing the difference. As a tax collector, he was very unpopular and distrusted by most of his fellow Jews. Which meant while the disciples traveled with Jesus, everyone would question WHY would the Messiah trust him of all people?! Matthew left behind a life of wealth and security for poverty and uncertainty. He abandoned the pleasures of this world for the promise of eternal life. And in the end, he was martyred for his faith. I admire his courage. He only cared about what God thought, not the rest of the people.

And then there's Paul. Paul, the disciple that went on to preach the gospel to the Gentiles until his last breath on this earth. But before his conversion, Paul was raised a Pharisee. The Pharisees were a sect of Jews, who believed in obeying religious laws very carefully and separated themselves from the ordinary people. Paul was such a zealous Pharisee that he hated Christians, those following Jesus, jailing many and voting for their execution. But Paul met Jesus on the road to Damascus... and the rest is history.

So, now that I've managed to make myself feel a little better about my glowing imperfections, I need another quick reality check. I may not be blazing new trails of faith or writing words transcribed by God, but I can use these examples to know that God doesn't expect perfection, but He does expect us to listen (and obey) when He calls. God can use ANYONE in the easy or the tough times to bring glory to Himself. Because in the end, it's not the person earning God's favor, it is God choosing you for His favor, for His purpose, and for His fulfillment.

And today in church, during worship, I had a vivid vision. It was raining firing. Not like fireballs crashing down on us, but drops of fire falling gently through the ceiling and on to us as we sand our praises to Him. Raining down on us like the much needed rain we received the night before. And I heard that still small voice whisper in my ear. "I heard all of your gratitude for the moisture, but I'm asking you to be as grateful for THIS rain."

Instantly the tears started. I knew immediately what He meant! He had been blessing me all along. Little drops of holy fire, falling gently upon me in the easy and the tough times. And instead of feeling the little drops of fire, I chose to feel the discomfort of the moment. I have new eyes today. Today I choose to see my blessings in the light of day and in the dark. And the gentle drops of holy fire are much easier to see in the dark. Not sure why I didn't see them before...

Acts 2: 1-4

When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them.