Here... drink this

The Easter after my youngest daughter was born, we loaded up the car and headed to the in-laws for a family meal. We spent the day enjoying the company of family that had traveled from out of town and then, as evening approached, we returned home.

I remember the day clearly because I woke up around midnight and was craving a snack. It was a regular event while I was nursing. I got as far as the stairs when I knew something wasn't right. I could only manage a few steps at a time in between waves of pain in my side and chest. I finally gave up about half way up the stairs and hollered for help.

Now bear in mind, we lived in a small town in the woods of northern Minnesota. So, when the ambulance comes rolling into town in the middle of the night, lights flashing, everyone knows. It doesn't take much to get the attention of 69 people.

And I must admit, I wasn't the most cooperative patient. I thought I was having a heart attack. People kept asking me questions that I did not have the answers to. And at one point, I was told I was going to need to leave my children in the care of someone, I wasn't sure who, to go in the ambulance, which I had never done before, with an EMT who had obviously just walked out of training to come get me! I wasn't happy!

But the thought of dying in my living room, in my nightgown, in front of all those people wasn't high on my priority list either, so I went.

Miss "Fresh out of School" EMT gave up on putting in an IV on the way to the hospital. I convinced her that keeping me warm was more important. No one warned me about the advantages of wearing a parka in an ambulance... I'll keep that in mind for next time.

After arriving safe and sound, I went through the regular gamut of pokes, prods, and tests. Only to have a nurse in a very firm voice hand me a plastic cup of what she called a 'GI cocktail' and tell me to "chug it down." Apparently, it heals all things tummy related. And it did... for about 15 minutes and then all the pain was back. So, now I was a doctor's problem and we had to wait for him to get there.

As I was waiting for the doctor, I had a surprise visitor. My husband still hadn't arrived. He was making arrangements for our children. But my pastor, who lives just a few blocks from us, must have heard the commotion, and decided to make the visit. It was nice to have someone there. He was calm and collected and asked questions. He even knew some of the staff. He was in the ER room with me when they told me I needed emergency gallbladder surgery. He was also the one that taught me a valuable lesson that night.

After the doctor explained the plan of action that was soon to follow, I had a melt down. Didn't anyone understand that I had a 3 week old baby to take care of, a 4 year old who depended on me, a house to run, a church that needed me, a youth group to take care of. I didn't have time to be in the hospital or recuperate on their terms. I was so overwhelmed, I could not stop the tears.

And as I laid there, tears flowing, feeling completely overcome by fear, I heard him say, "Do you really think you're the only one that can change a diaper or cook a meal? Do you really think you're the only one that can organize the bulletin or lead youth group? Maybe this is God's way of teaching you to let go of some things... to not be 'in control' of everything. Someone else might not do it exactly like you would, but different isn't always bad." At first I was hurt that he would say something like that to me, but as I sat there in silence, I knew his words were true.

That was the first time anyone had every truly called me out for being a control freak. It hurts when it comes from someone you respect, someone you trust. I had always lived under the old motto - if you want it done right, do it yourself. Trauma does that. It wipes away the trust factor. Even if there's some level of trust on the surface, inside, your gut still runs on instinct, still says it's easier to do it yourself and know it's going to get done. There's no getting hurt that way.

What I am SLOWLY learning is that as I learn to trust God, the rest of life falls into place. It's when I don't put my trust in Him that things start to fall apart. Trust is defined as 'placing your confidence in' or 'to do something without fear.' By those words alone, I'm choosing to trust in the Lord. I want to trust God, it's a challenge sometimes, but I'm making progress.

I've struggled with control for years. God has had to remind me on a regular basis throughout my life. And He had to remind me again this week. But this week, as I was walking the walking trail, He gently reminded me of my pastor's words and how gracious he was that night, even in my fear. Sometimes it's okay to let go. Maybe different isn't always bad.

Proverbs 3:5 ESV

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.