Elephant in the room

I live about 30 miles away from the church I attend, and it is my habit to be there about 15 minutes early on Sunday. Not because I’m OCD about time or anything, but because my Sunday mornings are just not complete unless I have personally said “hello” to a certain handful of people and hugged them before I sit down for the service. And one Sunday morning, as I was saying my hello’s and getting my hugs, someone said, “you give the best hugs.” Now I’ll be honest, that’s not the first time I’ve heard that. And as I was driving home that day, my mind started drifting back to others who have said those words.

Like some of you, not only am I a child of the most high God, but throughout my many years on this earth, I have worn many hats. Daughter, sister, wife, mom, grandmother, friend, confidant, coworker, business owner, student, teacher - at one point I was even a youth pastor – and the list could go on and on.

BUT in and amongst all those hats, I also went from victim, to survivor, to advocate, to the woman writing this today. And to be perfectly honest, I’m not really sure there’s a name for this present person… only that it’s more. More than all those other names and descriptions.

You see, by the time I was 22, I had been a victim of domestic violence and raped by someone who was supposed to love me. Trauma does wicked things to a soul… to a heart. But when you lock it away, it doesn’t just sit idly by gathering dust, it festers up, until you can’t hide the pain anymore. I never told anyone about anything. The beatings, the rape – none of it. I never told my family or my friends. I just locked it away, like it never happened. Until one day, the nightmares started, and the flashbacks began. I stopped sleeping and I felt like I had to stopped being around the people that loved me. I started leading a double life. By day I went to work and smiled and was NORMAL, and at night, I started hanging out at the bars and drinking too much. And when the alcohol didn’t cut it, the drugs started. Anything to make the pain go away. I would lay my head on the pillow at night at say, “God, please don’t let me wake up in the morning. Please, it’s just too hard.” And then I would get up the next day and do it all over again. And then again, I would plead with God to not let me wake up, and again, I would wake up and relive each day in the hell I had made for myself. Until finally, through a string of miracles that only God can do, I not only escaped that prison I had built around myself, but I gave my life to Him. And my life has never been the same.

I had always believed in God, but just didn’t KNOW God. If you ever had the opportunity to meet my grandmother, you would understand. We used to tease her that she went to church every time they opened the doors. But I always knew God was there, I just never understood how close.

Now… let's fast forward to the end of 2019. A relationship that I thought was going well, totally crumbled, a business that I started and had been thriving, suddenly stopped moving forward. Then one afternoon, I'm standing in the middle of my empty bakery, and I totally surrendered it all to God. I lifted my hands in the air and said, "Here am I, Lord. Send me. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do. No arguing, no agenda, no preconceived ideas. Whatever you want from me and wherever you want me to go, because this isn't working... my way isn't working."

A few months later, Covid forced me to close my business and I knew I had to go to work for someone else. A neighbor from across the street (who I had only known a short time), popped into my empty bakery one afternoon and said, "Angie, I've applied for a job... but I don't want this job. I only applied to make my husband happy. I don't want it but, I think God is saying YOU should have it." WHAT? She gave me all the information and told me I needed to move fast because they were already setting up interviews.

THAT'S how I became an advocate for domestic and sexual violence victims. And within a short time, THAT turned into managing the shelter for victims and survivors.

As a new shelter manager, I was given a long list of suggestions on how I should run the shelter. Things I SHOULD do, but not required to do. One of those suggestions was keeping my office door closed - to let staff deal with victims and survivors. Shelter managers multitask all day long, "you won't get anything done if you don't close your door." But that still small voice, said NO. I was supposed to an example of Jesus, right? How was anyone ever going to see Jesus with the door closed? So, I left the door open, and that open door policy was for everyone, staff and victims and survivors. Staff needed to know someone had their back. Victims and survivors needed to know I was available, visibly and emotionally. People just wanted to know someone genuinely cared - that they had been heard, and that someone was going to be there and follow through when they said they’d do something. I knew how those women felt. I had been there. I knew what it felt like to think you’re going through the worst time in your life all by yourself. No one should go through trauma, and no one should go through trauma alone.

So, did I have staff and victims and survivors in my office every day? Yes. Did I still get everything else done? Yes. Because that's what God does when you put Him in the room, when you give Him space and time to be present. Staff and survivors needed to know I was available in order for them to be comfortable enough to trust me.

Trust. Comfort. We could all use some of that these days. There is no greater comfort to one’s soul than to know that God Himself is with you, ALWAYS - wrapping you in love and grace and mercy and forgiveness. We NEED to know, without doubt, that He is always there and wants to comfort us in our time of need. And the best part is, our Heavenly Father is there 24/7 for ALL of us. It doesn't matter if we're knee-deep in trauma or trying to get through a bad day at work... He wants to be there for all of it.

Even though I'm not at the shelter anymore, God taught me a very valuable lesson while I was there. I shouldn't try to pick and choose where I take Him with me and where I allow Him in my life. If I allow Him in my life ALWAYS, He will find ways to make Himself known - ways to bless me and those around me in ways that only He can do. My best moments are always when He is in control, but He can't be in control if I don't let Him in the room.

And those hugs... Well, hugs are kind of my specialty. I learned a long time ago that a hug heals a multitude of wounds. And that didn't change just because I stepped into the shelter. It's hard for some survivors to trust enough to receive a hug, but those that try it get just a taste of what it feels like to be wrapped in the love of Jesus. There's nothing sweeter than to have someone trust you enough to hug back. I somehow imagine it's how God feels when we finally accept mercy and grace. It's not JUST a hug sometimes. Sometimes it's your first step on your walk with Christ.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”