Closer

I have been staring at a blank screen for over an hour. My heart and my head have been debating these words for weeks. I think the hardest part of today is just the fact that I'm sharing these words. Today's subject is very personal. But more than once, I've heard that still small voice encouraging me to forage ahead... and I trust Him.

By now, many of you that read and have been on this journey with me, know my relationship with the church is complicated at best. I love Jesus with every cell in my body, but the church and its leadership make it more and more difficult to WANT to be there. And it is a struggle to get myself through the doors on Sunday morning. I don't like 'talking myself into' going to church, but that's what I find myself doing more and more.

When I do attend a service on Sunday morning, I go simply to be with the Lord. I have no other motive. I sit in the front, so no one can distract me during worship and I sing to the Father. On those occasions, I get to spend 20 minutes of quality time with the King in worship. For me, there is nothing like it. It is one on one time with my Creator.

A few weeks ago, after a Sunday service, a friend of mine in the congregation stopped me and said, "You're such a blessing to everyone that sits behind you. I wish you knew how many lives you've touched." I had no idea what she was talking about, and apparently, the expression on my face said that. She explained that people behind me get to see how openly and freely I worship, and it gives them the courage to do the same, or at least let them know they can. "I can feel how much you love the Lord." She said. "And if I can feel it, so can others."

Worship. That's a scary word for many people. Entire denominations have made rules to make sure worship is kept under control and "in context." The definition of worship is "expression of reverence and adoration/honor." I don't understand what's so scary about that? To simplify it, worship is any act that shows devotion or love for God. If you pray in the car on your way to work, that's worship. If you attend a weekly Bible study or prayer group, that's worship. If you have one on one time with Jesus every morning, that's worship.

And if you lift your hands and your face to the heavens while you're singing to the King... that's worship.

I sat here staring at a blank screen, trying to figure out how to explain how I feel during worship. It's so personal and fulfilling. When the music starts, I don't even know there's anyone else in the room. It's just me, singing to God. And depending on the song, a lot of the time, I do lift my hands to the heavens. There's a part of me that just wants to be closer to Him, as close as I can get. And there are other times when my hands and arms are stretched out and my face is lifted towards heaven, and my only thought is "Here am I, Lord. Take all of me." It is in those moments of total surrender that I am reminded of His grace and His mercy - His total forgiveness of my sins. It is also usually when the tears flows. I have, on more than one occasion, sang through tears of joy and submission.

Not once did I ever think about the individuals behind me or anyone else in the congregation who might witness my one on one time with my Creator. It just wasn't a thought. Mostly, because I was there to meet Jesus. And secondly, because we really don't have very many people in our congregation that lift their hands. I knew I was the minority and I didn't care. As far as I'm concerned, everyone is free to worship the way they want to - there is no right or wrong way to love God.

This information really bothered me at first. I felt like someone had invaded my personal time with God. But then I realized my very prayer, my act of submission during worship, was to be used as He sees fit. And if He wants to use me as an example, then who am I to argue.

I feel like this is just one more example of openness, of vulnerability. It's one thing to be open and vulnerable to those around us, and it's a whole new ball game to be open and vulnerable to God. To lift our hearts, our hands, our faces to the one true King and say "Here am I, Lord. Send me." To stand before your Creator, feeling like you're the only one, and say "I surrender all."

I don't know what the purpose of my "example" really is - I don't need to know. If it helps someone, that's awesome. If it encourages someone to be brave, great! If someone sees it and thinks - oh my goodness, she's gone mad - well, then, don't look at me while you're singing. Worship is part of an intimate relationship with the Lord. Whether it's through song, prayer, or service, it's whatever brings you up close and personal with your Creator. Some stand on a stage, some serve on the mission field, and others climb mountains to feel closer to Him... I lift my hands.

Colossians 3:15-17:

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.