Can you hear me now?

Well, it's New Year's Eve. That time when we look back at the past year and think either "I wish I had a do-over" or "I hope I never forget the many blessings I received." New Year's is probably best known for its resolutions too easily forgotten. We go into the New Year saying "Starting today, I will..." It sounds so easy when we're all fired up and looking forward to change, but it gets tougher when the task requires long term, constant effort. Been there, done that.

A few weeks ago our pastor asked us to put serious thought into how we want to spiritually position ourselves as we enter the new year. And this morning he challenged us once again to that same question. How do I want to spiritually position myself as this new year fast approaches?

I think his question culminates everything God has been speaking to my heart since I returned from my mission trip. What does God expect of me? What does my mission field look like?

Anyone that follows this blog or knows my story, knows that I spent most of my life feeling like I didn't belong, like I didn't fit anywhere. I was always the girl nobody wanted, the girl that wasn't worth fighting for... the girl that wasn't worth loving. I think that's why it has been so hard to grasp just how much Jesus loves me. Why would He love ME?

Recently, I have been asking God a lot of questions. What do You want of me? What is my purpose? Am I missing something? Is that still small voice I hear You? ...or just me inserting my selfish motives into whatever it is I'm doing? Am I learning anything from these obvious life lessons or just rolling with the punches until the next one hits?

One of the things God is teaching me is it's okay to ask the questions. In fact, that's exactly what He wants of me. Ask the questions. Have that conversation with Him. But make it a CONVERSATION. Ask the questions and then WAIT, in silence, for His answer. Don't ask the question and then walk away. Ask the question and take the time to LISTEN for His response.

I found myself guilty of asking Him questions and then never giving Him the opportunity to answer. Maybe I was just too busy to wait? Maybe it's the noise and chaos drowning Him out? Or maybe it's because I never really believed He would respond. Maybe it was because I knew I wasn't going to like the answer.

Funny thing is, in any of those scenarios, I somehow found it okay to follow up my questions to Him with "Why don't you answer me? Why can't I hear You?"

How human of me! To make it His fault that I don't listen!

As I'm learning to sit in the silence and truly listen, I am realizing just how hard that is... to be silent. To shut out the noise and chaos of the world. To calm my thoughts. To rest in Him. It is in those moments, after the noise and chaos and thoughts are finally brushed away, that I hear His still small voice. The voice that breathes in rest. The voice that fills my heart. The voice that speaks to my soul.

And it is in those moments that I understand. I understand my position. I understand my purpose.

I'm tired. I'm tired of striving. I'm tired of second guessing my role in this world. I'm tired of being tired. And He is there, always there, telling me to rest in Him - rest in the arms of Jesus. And while I learn to rest in Him, I begin to see clearly the crown He laid upon my head the very day I gave my heart to Him. The day I said, "I believe You are the Son of God. I believe You are the Savior of my soul." I see the crown that sits upon my head declaring I am a child of the King. The crown I wear now because of the crown of thorns He wore for me.

I don't have all the answers and I will still have questions. But walking into the new year, my prayer is that I will look in the mirror each morning seeing the crown of a daughter of the Most High God. To walk into each day saying "I will not compromise the value of the crown He placed upon my head." And I will have the courage to lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and REST in the only One that's ever fought for me... He fought to the death for ME.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."