Batten down the hatches

My Aunt Pat used to let me brush her hair. When I was a little girl, Aunt Pat was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She had long, thick, brown hair and I loved to brush it. When she handed me that brush, she made me feel special and wanted. But that's the kind of person she is. She's as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. SHE's special.

You know that feeling when you walk into a room and someone's face lights up just because you're there? That's the way Aunt Pat has always been with me. She's always made me feel that way - from my earliest memories of her until today.

As I was growing up, Uncle Steve and Aunt Pat were always the "cool" aunt and uncle. Uncle Steve had the BEST collection of music albums. He probably wouldn't believe me, but I still think of him every time I hear a Steve Miller Band or Queen song on the radio. And Aunt Pat's laugh could cure anything! I love that laugh. It's so genuine. Even now, when I hear it, it touches a place in my heart that I cannot explain.

I remember when I was getting ready for my junior prom, I didn't have a dress and my mom didn't understand the panic I was in. I was junior class president and since the junior class planned and prepared prom, I had many speaking parts throughout prom night. And to top it off, I didn't have a date. I felt like all eyes were going to be on me! I didn't even have a date to distract anyone. But Aunt Pat saved me. She gave me a dress she had once worn in a wedding, probably as a bridesmaid. It was gorgeous! And it was even more special to me, because it came from her.

After my mom's funeral, when the family was all gathered at the house, she pulled me aside in a room. She wanted to make sure I was okay. She wanted to make sure I knew she was in my corner... if I ever needed her for ANYTHING. She was reaching out, like she has done throughout my whole life. Throwing me a life preserver.

But I didn't grab on...

What she didn't know that day was that I needed that life preserver in a BIG way! And why I didn't take it was just pure fear. The chaos in my head was almost unbearable. It took everything in me to hold it together. Mom dying was just one of the many crashing waves in my storm. I was so afraid if I let go of one drop, the whole storm would let loose. I couldn't risk the damage. I didn't think I was strong enough.

I should have grabbed on.

I sit here thinking about her and writing today because Aunt Pat is lying in a hospital bed fighting Covid, and I somehow want her to know I've thrown the life preserver. I'm in her corner!

And I'm wondering if she's feeling any of the same feelings I felt that day? Surrounded by a bunch of people that don't really understand what you're think or how you feel. Wanting so badly to be able to tell them, but just can't. Wanting to feel better, but don't know how that's going to happen. Feeling frustrated and wanting to scream and yell at somebody, anybody, but don't have the strength and wouldn't know where to start.

Feeling like you have no control over anything, yet that still small voice within you keeps reminding you of the ones you love and how much they love you. And no matter how much you want to give up, memories of laughter and smiles still flash through your mind. Good washes through you when you need it most. In the moments of rest, you're reminded of love. Love. Somehow love still prevails.

Love is a powerful thing. It can hold a family together and it can rip a nation apart. We are called to love one another; not the emotional kind of love, but agape love. Agape love involves patience, forgiveness, sincerity, humility, civility, sympathy, and self-denial. The kind of love that takes work. The kind of love that stands by you through thick and thin, no matter where you are. The kind of love that saves lives.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

I love you, Aunt Pat. And I'm praying...