Anyone have a Kleenx?

The day my oldest daughter was born, I was lying in the hospital waiting and waiting and WAITING! We lived in northern Minnesota and a blizzard was on it's way. We lived 40 miles from the hospital and I didn't want to be snowed in and not able to get to town, so we left in the early stages of labor. The nurses weren't thrilled, but I felt better knowing I wasn't going to be having a baby alone in the middle of nowhere.

My husband was always off doing something or visiting with someone and nurses would pop into my room periodically to check on me. On one of those check-ins, a nurse caught me crying and asked if I was okay. I said "yes" and jokingly blamed it on hormones and she went about her business. Was I okay? There's a loaded question!

The truth? No! No, no, no, no, and heck no! Well... maybe a little.

I was laying there thinking - I cannot believe God trusts me enough to give me a child. He's obviously not thinking this thing through. I'm the last person on earth that He should trust with a child. Has He forgotten all the stupid crap I've done? Less than a year ago I tried to commit suicide and now I'm having a baby. I am not worthy. What if I screw this up? Just because I want a baby doesn't mean I should have one. God, please don't let me mess this up!

I think God recalled that memory for a very specific reason. I sit and write today with a very humble heart. I have felt God tugging at my soul to do more, be bold, step outside my comfort zone. And lately it has become more clear that means more than sharing my heart on this blog; it means stepping out in faith. A big step.

And I will admit, that in many ways, it feels much like that day in the hospital.

I do not feel worthy. It is hard to believe that He trusts me enough to put me in the field of ministry. Has He forgotten who He's dealing with? Me. I could fill this page with all the things I've messed up. Yet, I know, with everything that is in me, what He's asked of me. And to walk away from it would leave me empty - a canvas lacking a picture.

His gentleness and patience have become more and more clear the farther we travel along this path. When I first felt this call to be bold, I found the courage to start the blog. At the same time, I shared with my pastor some thoughts about starting a women's ministry at our church - something for victims/survivors of violence. Yet... I still felt like God was nudging me to do more.

So, the women's ministry came to fruition. We started praying. I made some videos for the church, we promoted it, we gave it some structure. The entire church body knows I was a victim, but now a survivor. But I still felt like God was saying... bold. more. outside your comfort zone. I'm right here.

Really God? I just told the entire church body that I was once a victim of domestic and sexual violence, that's pretty much OUTSIDE my comfort zone. Granted... I wouldn't advise having an argument with God, because He almost ALWAYS wins!

Within the next few weeks I had a handful of conversations with people that had seen my video at church or heard about it, and what I discovered was... people who go to church don't think violence happens to believers. That really bothered me. I knew better. Not only did I know the statistics, but I work and talk with victims every week that are believers. They attend church together as a family and then go home and walk on eggshells waiting for the fists to fly. Going to church in this country has nothing to do with violence prevention.

It bothered me so much that I started doing some research. I spent an entire Sunday afternoon online finding anything and everything I could connecting violence and church. I printed out document after document. I filled a 3-ring binder! The more I discovered, the more determined I was. This information needs to be shared!

And then it hit me. He knew exactly what He was doing. This was my mission, my ministry. Just a few weeks earlier, I had argued with Him - wasn't sure what else I was capable of, how much more I could do. And in that moment it was like I knew part of the plan. He actually let me glimpse a piece of the plan!

I'm not sure I can explain all the emotions and thoughts that ran through my head. It's similar to being on a giant roller coaster - excitement fills every pore of your body, but you are fully aware that you could throw up at any given moment! Knowing that God trusts you enough to use you is multifaceted. It's mostly humbling and scary. Knowing that He chose you to do work for the kingdom is the most humbling feeling you'll ever have. Scary. YES. The last thing you ever want to do is mess up this assignment. And the enemy is going to work overtime to make sure that happens. But there is a sense of adventure. Dare I say it... peace.

So, I am going to do the same in this moment as I did that cold February day in Minnesota.

"Lord, thank you for trusting me with such an important task.

I pray that you will guide and direct every decision I make.

That you would be the light unto my path and walk with me on this journey.

I pray you use me as a vessel.

I trust in you and you alone.

Bless each and every day I have the opportunity to be used by you."

The one advantage I have now that I didn't have then was now I know what He's capable of doing. Back then I was just crossing my fingers and hoping He heard my prayers, hoping for the best. Now I know He hears my prayers. Now I know that I know that I KNOW His words are true.

How do I know? Because He answered my prayer then and I know He'll do the same now. He blessed and has blessed me every single day as a mom. And just like motherhood, this current assignment will be hard. It will have good days and bad days, but that does not change the blessing. There will be trials, there will be doubts, but in the end it will all be counted as pure joy.

Philippians 4:13 NKJV I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

If any of you are curious, you can check out the new ministry here. There's a Facebook and Instagram page soon to come. Please feel free to share anything God lays on your heart. I'm learning to live outside the comfort zone and I encourage others to do the same.